I am in my oh-so-comfortable bed around 4am and I hear the phone ring. I’m half asleep so I think I might be dreaming and just mistaking the special ringer on my phone for someone special that I haven’t heard from in so long. I smile at the thought that maybe, just maybe it could be. I jerk awake, snatch my phone off my bookcase. The ringer said it, the caller ID confirms it.
My own emotional equivalent to the Great Depression.
Let’s just call him First Love.
Tentatively I pick up the phone and try to force out a scratchy hello. His voice fills my heart and I suddenly remember every piece of him I’ve ever felt. He floods all my senses. We make small talk (or in as much as one can make small talk at 4am) and then outta the blue he says the three little words I had been dying to hear for so long…
And I swear my heart just stopped.
Hearing it in my head, and hearing it in real time are so different. Now I have to deal with it. And it’s so complicated. We have both moved on. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss him but… how can you just do that to a person? Be absent for so long and then all of a sudden attempt to become a viable part of their everyday again with just those three little words, “I miss you.”
And what does that mean exactly? Does “I miss you” mean I was thinking about all the time we spent together and realized how much it meant to me? Does it mean I want to be with you now? Does it mean that somehow the people that we have in our lives become less significant and we’re both ready to see if this is the great thing everyone else seems to think it is? Or does this just mean, hey I realized you’re a pretty cool chick and I was reminiscing, got caught up in the memory and wanted to see how you were doing? Is it just a check-up call like “Hey just wanted to make sure you weren’t over me yet”? And why should it matter either way?
I tend to over analyze things so I will try not to. But what am I supposed to think, what I am I supposed to hope after that? I am always so sure of myself, so together. I designed me that way. And now I don’t know the next step to take.
It’s amazing how, when you’re too asleep to put your guards up, three little words can change everything…