I had an epiphany while I was asleep.
Ok, I sleep too hard to wake up to anything other than lines on my face and a complete loss of equilibrium. But hear me out for a second…
So I was thinking about First Love and his phone call. And I realized… those three little words don’t change anything. It doesn’t make anything different. It doesn’t change any of the other conditions that bind us. It doesn’t change why we aren’t together in the first place. It doesn’t make us different people now, doesn’t change any of the things we went through then.
There are reasons why we aren’t together. And as much as I wish that it wasn’t so, it is. And if we end up together in the end of it all, there will be reasons for that as well. But honestly maybe everything is just too far gone to be repairable. And maybe we will just have to live with that.
In the meantime, there will be no more late night phone calls or me waiting to hear that special ring as I did for so long. There will be no more questions without answers, reading into the little things, or hoping for some fairy tale. When we see each other here will be no more discreet touches that we both know aren’t supposed to happen, that we both know we aren’t supposed to enjoy as much as we do. There will be no more breathless kisses or soft words that we know we aren’t supposed to say. It can’t be. If I have learned anything it is that something born out of lies, out of someone else’s pain, can never withstand the pressures of it shady beginnings.
HE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
Next time I start over, I want it to be different. I want to build a foundation with someone that is strong, something solid. I want someone I have chemistry with, someone who makes me laugh, someone who makes me cry, someone who picks me up when I trip over the million things I fall over each day. No more building walls before laying the floor. The next anything I choose to build with anyone, platonic or romantic, is going to be something of substance, something of strength and something of honesty. I am too old to still be playing the games I played in high school. And it’s time I found someone who realizes they are too old to be playing these kind of games as well.