I got home last night and figured I would finally get some sleep, right?
Phone rings. It’s the guy I have been liking since around Christmas and we’re talking. Somewhere inside the second hour of our conversation he says to me, “You’re too independent.”
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?
Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much had it not been for the fact that I have heard this before. Three times from three different people actually. First Love, Almost Fiance and now him. I don’t know what that means exactly. So I asked him.
Me: So what does too independent mean and why do you say it like it’s a bad thing?
Him: Well I mean no man wants a woman who can’t take care of herself and can’t be on her own and have her own life. And I know you have heard this before but you are certainly the kinda girl a man would love to wife up. But the thing is, a man also wants to feel like he can take care of his girl, like she needs him. And I don’t know how much you could allow your man to do that.
So, for once in my life I was speechless. I never knew my need to take care of myself could cause any issues. Like I said, I’ve heard this before but I just charged it to the game and kept it moving. But I didn’t know that it was so bad. So I asked my best friend.
“No, I think you put on a facade of being too independent. When you get involved with someone you get involved wholeheartedly but you don’t let anyone know that just in case something happens. But when inevitably something happens, you’re still emotionally involved. But you do it so you can’t get hurt. I can see where someone can get the idea that you’re too independent but as your best friend I would say no.”
So I kept thinking. And I realize that they are both right. I have always been one of those people that didn’t want to rely on people. See the thing is, I have been lied to all my life. By everyone. My mom, my family, friends. So I hesitate to let people do things for me because I have so seldom had people come through. With the exception of my best friend, and First Love, I don’t think I have anyone in my life that I can completely and totally depend on.
So what to do? I don’t exactly know how to change it. I mean I guess I could just try going out on a limb and trusting people.
But then again I guess I would have to find someone worth trusting.