Entering into an Institution

So anyone who knows me even remotely well knows I have little to no respect for the institution of marriage. Not in a home wrecker “I’ll-break-up-your-marriage-and-not-care” sort of way but more so in a “I’ve-never-seen-it-work-out-so-I’m-very-skeptical-and-don’t-think-its-necessary” kinda way. (That took a hella lotta fucking concentration to type.) I have never really seen anyone get married and stay married and the marriages that I have seen that make it over that treacherous 2 year mark are empty, loveless marriages that just aren’t the ideal of how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

Marriage is often referred to as an institution. Do we all know what an institution is? Somewhere we put crazy people. As in, you’d have to be crazy to enter into an institution as my ever smart friend Danita put it. And I’m not crazy. Nor do i particularly care for the idea of 6 months of divorce proceedings, custody battles, dividing money and property, etc. Not my idea of a good way to spend 6 months of my life. Don’t want an ex-husband whom I look at with regret and can barely manage to have a civil conversation with him for the sake of our children. I don’t wanna be that bitter ex-wife, suddenly thrown back into dating while trying to handle the emotional trauma of a divorce. Not something I wear well.I always said that while I wouldn’t MIND getting married, I don’t HAVE to get married. Meaning simply that if I found someone that I loved, that loved me, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I would do just that, sans the big diamond and elaborate ceremony. (well maybe not without the diamond.) But I really can’t be convinced that a ring and a piece of paper with 2 names on it in calligraphy will make anything more concrete or solid if it wasn’t already. So I just don’t really see the point.

You understand? So while I would never tell anyone else not to get married, I just don’t think its necessary for me. Don’t think it’s really one of those things in my future that’s in the cards for me.

Got all that? Good.

Now forget all of it.

I wanna get married. And I haven’t honestly considered marriage in a real adult kinda way ever in my whole life. Hell for the most part I can’t even stand the idea of dealing with most of the men I have known for a week let alone a lifetime. But as I’m prone to doing, I have changed my mind. Do I still believe that the piece of paper and ring will make anything more solid? Yes. (But a Tiffany’s ring would make my finger look MUCH better.) But I realize that I like the idea of committing my life to someone else, my whole life, all of me completely and totally, not fractionally or marginally as I have always done. I like the idea of making this pledge in front of the people who love the both of us and celebrating our happiness with them all because the fact of the matter is, not too many people find that someone that they feel they can be bare with. You know what I mean…like how you see those older married couples who got married at like 15 and have been together ever since. How they know each other completely and totally, every gesture, every mood. They have found that one person in the universe with whom they can be themselves, for better or worse. They have found that person they want to be bare with.I want someone I can be bare with.

Hmmm… so does this mean I’ll be planning a wedding anytime soon? HA. Although I would be a flyyyyy ass bride. lol I just realize that I like the idea of calling someone my husband, of being committed to someone who loves and cherishes me, takes even better care of me than I do. I like the thought of being excited to wake up to someone every morning, spending my everyday with them and growing old with them. If I do this, if I get married, I wanna do it once and that’s it. No starter marriages, no second time arounds, no practice runs. If I’m gonna get married, that’s it. Because of all the titles I don proudly, ex-wife is not one I wanna wear.

So let’s see, the girl so against marriage wants to get married. Why the sudden change of heart that she never even completely had after spending 6 years of her life with the same man? Wouldn’t you like to know…Just know I’m happy and content. And that is the best thing to wake up to every morning.

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