Restricted Access

I’ve been doing quite a lot of reflecting and writing, and the such lately and I have come to one very important conclusion: I don’t know how you people deal with me. You know nothing about me hardly, I screen my calls, I am quite emotionally intense, plus the million other things that would make me unbearable if I weren’t so darn cute! 😉 But of these things let’s take that first one: you don’t know anything about me. Now with some of the people in my life that is because you are intensely self involved. But for many others its because I have simply lost the ability to speak openly and be forthright about myself. Hmmm…yep I can’t pinpoint the exact time it happened but its definitely in full effect like the first cookout of summer. Ok pop quiz… Who knows what’s going on in my life? RIGHT NOW. Any hands? No? Figured.

Ok so here we go….

I’m afraid my mom and step dad might be getting separated because, put simply, my mother is an drunk, bipolar, self destructive sociopath with a serious mean streak. Too many big words for you? Ok she’s a nut. And for anyone who knows how much I adore my step dad (which might be no one because I never talk) you understand why I’m so worried. My step dad stepped in when I was 12 to be like a father to me when my own father wasn’t doing so. There aren’t many men of that caliber out there. And he’s been my daddy for 10 years, long before they got married 2 yrs ago.

On a similar tip, I think my father might have had or could possibly still be having an affair. How do I know this? Because modern technology confuses me, cell phones have too many buttons, and instead of opening his phonebook I opened his text messages. Why is this important? Because my daddy and stepmother have been having issues and his having an affair would #1 further dent my already pretty shitty view of marriage and #2 would make me question whether or not he actually did cheat on my mother. My daddy has been a lot of things I’ve hated, but I’ve always considered him loyal and selfless. I don’t wanna lose that.

Nope don’t stop reading, I’m not through throwing up yet.

In April, I looked First Love straight in the face and made him tell me that he didn’t love me anymore. Why would a woman do such a malicious thing to herself you ask? Because I have not quite yet learned how to move on when I’m not in pain. The pain makes me go away when I need to be done with situations but also brings me to this place of silence. But I digress…yes I made him do it. Sorry to crush the dreams of all the people so emotionally invested in that 6 years turning into a marriage, 2.5 kids and a picket fence, but its not gonna happen. I finally realized that after all these years, all we have is all those years. But that’s good and let me tell you why.

Because I’m in love. So there I said (wrote) it out loud. I don’t think I’ve said it out loud yet and its been this way for awhile. I think that’s my 1st time admitting it. Haven’t told anyone yet, just downplayed it, dropped in subtle hints disguised as jokes that everyone just excused. So there. Ok gimme a minute for my heart to stop beating so fast. Why is this so hard? The talking I mean. You should see how fast I’m typing. I’m afraid if I don’t get it all out really quickly I’ll punk out.

Anyway….Yes I’m in love with Almost Fiance. I’m on a roll here. And I know now more than ever that this is a man I could spend my life with. How do I know you ask? Because after I figuratively shot myself in the chest there back in April, it forced me to do some serious soul searching. And I realized that I don’t even know if I was ever still in love with my first love in as much as I was severely attached to the idea of us. I’d used our relationship as a crutch for so long, as a reason to not really get too attached to anyone because “it wouldn’t be the same” that I didn’t know how to move on from that. But the truth is, there was more him than there was us, his expectations, his ideal, his terms. I don’t know if I was ever completely myself. Maybe bits and pieces of myself, but never me in full throttle, never the full rainbow of colors I posses but rather just a select few that fit safely inside his color spectrum. That’s a long time to pretend. Don’t get me wrong, he knows me inside and out, as far as facts go, but what about that other thing? That intuition, that deeper knowledge and understanding of another soul? I don’t think we ever had that because I can now freely say I felt unappreciated and taken for granted. And he made me feel I wasn’t good enough. And no one you can even consider spending your life with should make you feel that way.

Wait I’m off track. Where was I? Oh yes….So all of that stuff I was missing before, I have that with Almost Fiance. Its nothing short of the other side of heaven. Its simply amazing. I mean, I just never knew. I had no idea when I met him 3 years how significant he was, how amazing of a man he is. I could go on but this isn’t a love letter. Long story short, he makes me happy. How simple is that? No drama, no excess baggage, no bullshit, no chaser. HA! Extraordinary for that to occur nowadays. He and I, we’re just perfect. Not perfect beings in a perfect relationship, but we’re perfect for each other. And that’s something you can’t manufacture. Oh but wait-That sounds great right? But there’s one thing… He’s in Iraq. Did I not mention that? Oh and could possibly be going back, ohhhh, every 6 months or so for 6 months FOR THE REST OF OUR NATURAL LIVES.

Which brings me to my #1 enemy of the moment; the news. I dunno if I’m helping myself or hurting myself but I swear this 6 months has been like the worst kinda torture. I find it so appropriate for my life that I have found that ever elusive thing, that kind of love that everyone wishes for and so few people actually find…and I can’t have it.

In addition to that all… (Oh you thought I was done? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)My brother is apparently suicidal and no one bothered to tell me.

My best friend and I are growing apart and I don’t know how to fix it, especially considering its my fault.

My family is absolutely nuts. They don’t like me much, never really have and the feeling is entirely mutual. God how they drive me fucking crazy, always fighting, always gossiping, lying. Of all the people in the world, do you know who made me feel the worst about myself because of my color? My family. Nothing like family persecuting you because you have absolutely no control over who your parents are. And don’t let us forget how stuck up I am apparently. How is that no matter what good I’m doing, its never enough?

It apparently looks as though I will be homeless in the fall.

I’m invisible in my department and my career seems to have no hope of getting together.

Gay Husband, who just completely shattered my heart and the friend he used to (and still occasionally) fuck want to be my friends again. I’m torn between complete and total fear and distrust of them and the fact that I love them both dearly. (Well one of them definitely the other maybe not so much) Maybe I’m not so over it all as I thought.

I might not graduate on time.

I love people way too hard. Why is that? And I don’t just mean men, I mean family, friends, everyone. You can’t tell, I know, but I just get so GODDAMN attached to people. And I don’t know how to let them go. Even when they’re not good for me, even when they hurt me, even when they aren’t even half the friend or whatever to me as I am to them, I find myself so impossibly attached. Is it possible to love too hard?

My grandma died in September and I miss her. Does it ever get better? That missing is compounded by the most insane amount of guilt possible because in the months before she died I avoided her assiduously. I didn’t want to see her in her deteriorating state, and although sometimes I want to believe that she understood because my grandma always understood me, I wonder if she was hurt by my actions. I guess I’ll never know, but I certainly know I never got to explain myself.

I wonder why I’m so hard on myself. I am so awful to me. I’m never good enough for me no matter what I do. I don’t bring me anything but down. Why is that? How is it I can be so supportive and encouraging of everyone else in my life but when it comes to me I’m intensely hard on myself? Maybe because it never occurred to me to be any different…

Anyone who knows me knows I hate church. Not because I don’t believe in God but because I resent the fact that the modern church has become a business, fashion show and courtroom in that everyone gets judged. I’m torn between wondering if things in my life are going so wrong because I don’t go to church regularly or because its just the way it is to be for me. But if I were to start going now wouldn’t I be a hypocrite? Maybe I’m not really resentful of church per se in as much as I’m resentful of how I was treated there after my 1st stepfather cheated on my mother, beat the hell outta me and was still held up as a martyr in the church because he was a man, while my mother and I were cast out like we were somehow faulty because of our suffering.

There are very few people in my life who truly know me. And I know that’s mostly my fault. But after a lifetime of being invisible, how do you begin to paint yourself in? After never really fitting anywhere, never really being tethered to another soul, feeling some sort of lasting kinderence, how do you erase it and start again? I’m not quite sure.

So that’s a lot. I know. I could tell you how I lost my virginity or about my step dad, or my first boyfriend or the myriad of reasons that I can hardly trust a female further than I can throw her (and that sounds like real fun), but alas it is late, and there’s only so much about my past I can excavate without the whole dig site falling in around me. So that’s just a small taste of what goes on in my head at night. And you people wonder why I can never sleep…That’s is all. I’m done emotionally throwing up now. Just leave me to quietly dry heave on the floor.

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