It all happened. All of it. EXACTLY the way I said it would. Every single piece of it, to the letter, to the T, down to the very smallest, tiniest detail. I was right. Karma prevailed. Everything I said would happen has happened. Somehow I thought I’d be happier about it. Somehow I thought it would please me more, soothe the remainder of the hurt feelings, restore order and calm in my universe. It didn’t. Instead I feel worse. Worse because I hate to see people suffer. Worse because maybe I spoke it into existence, worse because I wished the pain that I’m seeing manifest itself even knowing how horrible it feels because I lived through it…worse because I dunno what kinda person I am for willing it to be yet standing among the rubble.
I’m in a precarious position here. I can play both sides, make things worse, reap a little psychological revenge. But that’s not me. That’s not who I am. I love. It’s just that simple. I love even when love is completely absent, when it can never be returned, when I should be walking away. I love hard and I love long. And I will not apologize for that. Nor will I apologize for being human and wanting these things, willing these things, speaking these things to happen as if they could somehow aggrieve the pain done to me. They can’t of course, I recognize now.
Somehow, I thought I’d feel better, happier, vindicated in my resentment. But I don’t. Maybe I’m not as vindictive and malicious as I wish I could be. Only time will tell whether or not that’s good.
Liquor, Loans & Love 