With a Whole Lot of Will and a Lil’ Bit of Grace

I have an ex who I have referred to a few times here in my blog. We have, by far quite possibly the most unorthodox and wildly inappropriate relationship of anyone I know. We share far too much, talk way too often, spend far too much time together, know each other on entirely insane levels to the point of completing each other’s sentences.

And I love it.

We didn’t have the best of breakups… to put it very, VERY lightly. It was painful and confusing and heartbreaking to go through. It hurt more than most things have hurt me. So how can we be friends now? Easy. We work REALLY hard at it.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t times that we didn’t slip into old bitterness, trade smart, scathing comments, flung at each other carelessly. There are many times when sometimes, honestly, it still hurts, the way things ended up between us because, well at the risk of sounding like a complete idiot/hopeless romantic, we were really great together. I’ve never had better chemistry with anyone in my life. No one has ever made me laugh harder, longer. No one has ever somehow been able to tell me exactly what I needed to know but didn’t wanna hear in exactly the right way I needed to hear it to heed it. Not too many have wiped more tears, or known exactly what to do when I was sick, sat and talked for more hours, played in my hair for longer, watched more movies or understood my jokes. No one has held my hand more when I needed it, kissed my forehead and made me feel still, or held me while I slept fitfully.

It’s hard to explain exactly the way he is with me, or rather the way we are with each other. No one quite understands it, least of all us. But just about everyone who is around us recognizes that it’s something special. Something you can’t quite put your finger on or name in any kind of certain terms but its there. Even when we’re trading insults and smart comments, the love is palpable. I’d never let anything happen to him, and in my heart I don’t believe he’d ever let anything harm me either. There are very few people in my life who I can honestly say protect me that way. And I thank him for it.

Now anyone who knows how we broke up thinks I am currently crazy. That’s ok. I can’t necessarily dispute them. It’s quite possible that I’m entirely crazy to still have this man in my life. But I can’t really say I care. Truth is, if I could put my finger on entirely what makes us so close or makes our relationship so special I think it would lose something. And I can’t really rationalize or explain why my heart still accepts him in my life despite what we went through. My head can’t interfere with what my heart has always decided will be the norm… having this man in my daily life. And honestly I don’t even think I want to cut him out. Don’t get me wrong. There was a time when I wanted to use his balls as hood ornaments on a car, but right now, I’m lucky. Lucky that there’s someone in this world who knows me like he does, that tolerates my weaknesses and appreciates my strength. He isn’t perfect, and I wouldn’t want him to be. We have worked very hard at our relationship and I can see us being together for many, many years to come. He might just be the one constant I have gained, the one good thing when things go badly, the one person who understands even when I can’t. We’ve tried very hard to get over old hurts and pains, heal old wounds we left open and festering for too long, and learn how to accept our situation and relationship just as it is, rather than trying to bend and shape it into what we think it should be. We have learned to just let it Be; to let things fall as they will and not allow any of the peripheral issues overshadow the thing more important over all our issues; we love each other. He’s taught me so much about myself and life and just… EVERYTHING and that I am so appreciative for. He taught me to better handle things and people, to listen more intently without allowing my own bias to block what’s being said, to love without judging and to live without restrictions imposed by social commentary.

When we are together, the world is still for a moment and I can truly throw my head back and laugh with my heart, I can cry real tears for as long as I need to, I can scream and joke and yell and fight and dance and sing and I don’t have to worry about being too vulnerable or being called a fool. And most importantly, to find someone with whom I can be comfortable enough with that will do those things with me is invaluable.

He is the will that taught me to handle things with grace and I’m so glad that I got the opportunity to love him.