I am quite possibly the biggest fuck up in the world right now. I’m fucking up in school, I’m fucking up with friends, I’m fucking up at my job, in my relationship, in my mind. I’m not doing so great to tell you the truth. Take today for instance…
After spending the majority of the night after I got home from going to the gay club to see strippers with my ex boyfriend (yeah I know), I stayed awake half the night thinking about Almost Fiance. Sweet right?
My thoughts go something like this….
Why has it been so hard for us to talk? It sucks so much that he lives so goddamn far. Why didn’t he wanna talk to me? Does he still love me? Why am I still awake? We had so much fun while he was here. I wonder what I should get him for Christmas… It’s gonna be soooo goddamn cold in Alaska; I need a better coat. Is he with somebody else? Would he really cheat? Lord knows monogamy ain’t his thing. But then again you shouldn’t be judged by past transgressions right? I’m certainly not perfect. Speaking of not perfect, I need a manicure and pedicure before homecoming. Who’s Ayanna? What’s wrong with me why am I tripping at 5am? Dammit I hate when I can’t sleep. Why am I all insecure all of a sudden? Can I really marry this man? Is 2010 really that far away? I am so tired of fighting with him. Why is he such an asshole? Like, he didn’t used to be this mean to me. Or am I tripping? I certainly didn’t imagine the whole beginning of our relationship right? SOMETHING made me stay with him all this time. Why can’t I get in touch with it?
Which led to me staying up to, ohhh, around 8am or so. After finally falling to sleep and not sleeping well at all because my goddamn dorm won’t turn on the heat I wake up at 12pm.
Not 9 like I was supposed to. But 12.
And I realize…
GODDAMMIT I JUST SLEPT THROUGH A MOTHERFUCKING MIDTERM.
How the hell I get outta this I have no clue. You would think after having the damn clock for 4 years I would know how to set it to ‘am’ instead of ‘pm’. I haul ass to campus only to discover the rest of my day is just as much a pointless waste of time as the morning.
I go home, do my hair before a meeting and I call Almost Fiance and I tell him about my shitty ass day. Something told me I called the wrong person. Something said Hey fuck up call your best friend, but seeing as how he’s supposed to be one of my best friends and he constantly accuses me of not opening up and talking to him, I decide to call him. After a few minutes of talking, I tell him what happens. I just needed someone to talk to to take my mind off things. He does just that. After I tell him what a horrible fuck up I am, we change subjects, talk about other things. Somewhere inside 10 minutes I actually manage a real smile; by 15 minutes I am full blown laughing out loud.
And then here’s where it gets fuzzy…
He starts talking to someone else in the background. Not a quick little sidebar but rather a FULL BLOWN convo. This drives me nuts. He knows this very well. I let it go. 10 minutes of this later I suggest he call me back. He takes me up on this and I get off the phone more than slightly irritated. It’s not enough that I only get to see him 3 weeks outta the year, I can’t even get his undivided fucking attention for 20 minutes while I tell him about my day? That’s fine. A lot to ask for I’m sure. A little while later, phone rings. It’s him; I pick up. We talk for a little while longer. He again has to go. Details start to get a little fuzzier. Phone rings again moments later. More talking, few laughs, irritations starts to recede. And then BAM!! He says something smart about me missing my midterm.
Am I the only one who thinks his timing sucks?
I call you because I’m having a shitty day and I’m really down on myself and all you can do is reinforce what a fuck up I am? DO I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW?!? Yes of course he was right. That is hardly the dispute. His timing is what sucks. I need someone to talk to to cheer me up, and I mistakenly call you thinking that you could be that person because you always have been in the past and now all of a sudden I’m wrong and you’re on the other end of my phone wasting my daytime minutes and demanding I tell you how to be the boyfriend that, up until recently, you’ve always been?!? Er?
WHAT IS THIS KICK LA IN THE HEAD WITH STEEL TOE BOOTS WHILE SHE’S CURLED IN THE FETAL POSITION ON THE FLOOR IN HYSTERICAL TEARS DAY?!?
I dunno. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. But goddammit I’m tired of being strong all the goddamn time. And just when you think that maybe, MAYBE you’ve found one person in this whole fucked up world that you can be soft with what do they do? They kick you in the soft spot. Maybe I’m overreacting. But how many times over how many months did I listen to things I didn’t agree with, didn’t wanna hear, didn’t wanna know because he needed to talk to someone and he felt like I was that person? How many times was I so emotionally ill-equipped to deal with the stuff he was dumping on me but I took it anyway, with no complaints, and certainly no kicking. How long did I play the doting, understanding, right-by-your-side girlfriend?
AND FOR WHAT?!?
So, the plot thickens considerably. Right after I get off the phone, the phone rings again and I stop breathing fire just long enough to read the caller ID. Enter Guy #2. I say hello and immediately he asks me what’s wrong. I tell him about me missing my midterm, about my growing frustrations with school and life in general. I vent long enough for me to make it to campus from my dorm without ever taking a breath. When I’m done he tells me I’m sorry, that even though it was technically my fault not to beat up on myself. Gives me some suggestions on what to tell my professor. Tells me a funny story about one time he did the same thing with his alarm clock. And then for some reason he asks me where I am. I tell him what building I’m in and we keep talking. A few minutes later I feel someone hit me on my shoulder and I whirl around with the force of 10 million pounds of attitude. Guy #2 is right there, standing behind me in the hallway. I hang up my phone and get this…
HE GIVES ME A HUG.
No hello, no nothing. Just hugs me. He steps away and says, “You sounded like you needed that so I decided to run over here before my meeting and before you had your meeting to give you one.”
I’ve never been one of those people that believed that the power of one kind word or deed could change someone’s heart but I’ve been converted. I felt even the tiniest flicker of hope underneath all the dark stuff the last few years have laid on top of me. All because, for once, I didn’t have to ask for, beg, demand what I needed the most; just a hug. But not so much a hug but rather what it represented; the idea that for once, maybe someone could take care of me for a change like I do to everyone else. That maybe someone could take the time to feel me, read me, talk to me, figure out what it is that I am in need of rather than giving me what they want to. It was nice.
I’ve been kicked a lot lately. Some intentional kicks and some kicks just from people who are too careless to watch where they are stepping. And I can’t decide right now which one is worse. People ask me how I am and I tell them I’m tired. “Yeah,” they reply. “Me too. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” and I don’t know how to explain to them that that’s not the tired I’m speaking of. I’m tired of getting up most mornings and tired of dealing with most people. I’m tired of being strong and tired of taking care of people who only stay around long enough to get what they need. I’m tired of things and people and situations that don’t benefit me. I’m tired of being there for everyone when they struggle and having no one to hold me up when I feel I’m too tired to stand. And most importantly, I’m tired of people making me feel bad when I say that I’m weak and tired and that this is how I feel. GODDAMMIT JUST TAKE IT AND STOP MAKING ME FEEL WORSE.
So I charge you with this internets: The next time you ask someone how they’re doing, REALLY listen to the answer. And if it sounds like they’re bullshitting you, CALL THEM ON IT. It may be exactly what they need you to do. Maybe what they’re waiting on you to do. And even better, if you can take maybe 5 minutes out of your busy day to find someone and give them the hug they most desperately needed a mere 2 seconds before they lost complete and total hold on their sanity, maybe you can heel just a few of those kicks they sustained throughout the day.