I Just… Can’t

I’m trying.
Really, I am.

Very hard. But I just can’t seem to get it together. I get a little bit closer to together and…. YANK!! It’s snatched backwards just outta my reach.

Sigh.

I’m not handling things well really, to be quite honest about it. (Which I’m not very often.) I put on a good front. I make it look good from the outside. But on the inside, well I’m all bubble gum and scotch tape, barely holding myself together at the badly disguised seams.

I haven’t been talking to people much. I don’t have much to say. And the one person I wanna talk to, need to talk to…well… Notsomuch.

Truth is I just can’t stomach too much human contact nowadays. I just can’t take it. I just can’t handle listening to anyone else’s problems right now, cannot possibly fathom pretending to be okay when I’m not. And I know. I know that’s what is expected of me. I am La the fixer, La the role model, the one who has “got it all together”. And I can’t imagine putting on a happy face and going out into the world as the same girl I’ve always been. Friday night I tried to drum up some company, but my heart wasn’t in it. I stayed home and washed clothes, randomly wandered the streets, halfheartedly engaged in some AIM convos. I spent the entire evening lonely, waffling between being sad about being alone and wondering how I could ever stand the sight and sensation of being around people again.

I got a tattoo. On my right wrist. Its a symbol for war. (Maybe it means slutty; who really knows?) It seemed appropriate for the current phase in my life. I’d like, one day, to get another tattoo on the other wrist that means peace. Maybe one day I’ll know what that’s like long enough for it to make sense for me to get it. Maybe. But it seems like every time I find some peace it leaves as quickly as it pretended to settle in.

I just… can’t. Can’t take it. I’m tired. Of it all really. But I know that the world doesn’t stop for me being tired. Really the only pause comes from having people in your life that know how to fleetingly make the world stand still. And I can’t stand exposure to people so… it’s a vicious cycle really.

Sigh.