Perfect

I have just been on “The Perfect Date”. No, really. I have. It is, quite possibly the best date I’ve ever been on. Perfect fall night, perfect conversation, perfect dinner, just all around perfect.

So now everyone is really happy for me because you know I’ve found someone to ease my broken heart and make me smile right?

Well, you’re half right. But mostly wrong.

The most perfect part of this date was that it wasn’t romantic at all. I mean I guess for two people who have romantic feelings for each other it had the potential to be, but it wasn’t. First of all, I went with Gay Husband. So for those of you who know me, you know that there’s not one romantic spark at all going on there. But there’s something even better; chemistry. We have great chemistry. And we just have so much fun together.

We had a wonderful dinner, then walked around the cobblestone neighborhood, hand in hand, cracking jokes, laughing way too loud and talking about whatever came to mind. I said things that, up until then, I hadn’t told anyone. Was able to hold a conversation without pretending to be harder than I truly felt, strong where I felt weak, or bitter when I was really just sad. And it was a welcome change to spend time with someone who loves me, unconditionally, who knows me, who understands me, who I can talk to freely without censoring myself or worrying how he will feel about what I’m going to say. The last few months, I haven’t really had that. So it’s been nice.

I realize that maybe I had what I was looking for all along. For the longest I thought the problem was me, my intimacy issues, my inability to consistently communicate, my lack of trust for people. But maybe that’s not the case at all. Or maybe they still linger somewhere beneath the surface, waiting for the right situation in which to manifest themselves. I don’t know. But I do know that somehow, I looked in the mirror, and I’m not the same little girl I used to be. I’ve changed and I’ve grown. Somewhere along the way, the issues I thought I’d harbor all my life, have lessened, dissipated, some have vanished all together. And it gives me hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, if I give myself the time to grow up, I can grow into the person I always wanted to be.