Is There a Newsletter or Something?

*Please enjoy reading the following post which comes to you in high definition delirium as I’ve not been to sleep in 37 hours and counting…*

I have been single now for, oh lets say a month-ish (or maybe it has actually been the EIGHT YEARS it feels like-who knows?) And somewhere along that month-ish, there has apparently been an email, mass phone tree, newsletter type deal that has been passed around to all the eligible and some not so eligible bachelors around campus alerting them to the fact that I am, yes in fact, back on the market. This has lead to an interesting month-ish (to say the least). Lets get a list of the contestants going, shall we?

There’s “I’ve Liked you Since Freshman Year” guy, who entirely creeped me out because I’ve known him for 4 years and he’s somehow managed to hide any iota of suspicion that he has any sort of feeling for me. And no, I’m not that dense, ladies and gentlemen, he’s just that good. And then he kinda made me sad… what were you waiting for the “right moment” through the 2 serious relationships I’ve been in since you met me? Loser.

Then there’s “Obviously so Wrong for me it Kinda is Shocking He’d Even Try” guy who actually, ACTUALLY asked me to let him “ease my pain”. Say it with me class… Yuck. You gotta be shitting me.

Then there’s “Super-duper Ambitious Guy” who I’m actually genuinely attracted to but could never take seriously because he wants to be a club owner/party promoter (which I hear only as cameraman for Girls Gone Wild segments) and because if me and super ambitious men worked out, well I wouldn’t be single and posting this at 6:56 in the morning would I?

Then there’s “I’m Just Gonna be Your Friend While Secretly Plotting Ways to Use Your Weakness to Make You Realize You’re in Love with Me” Guy. I think that speaks for itself. I’m grieving, not stupid people!!!

And then there’s the one that poses an actual threat to what little sanity I have left; “Under the Radar We Actually Were Friends for a Long While When Both of Us Were in Relationships and Still Undeniably Attracted to Each Other and Now We’re Both Single” Guy. He’s the tricky one. Not skeevy like the others, not crazy or delusional or creepy in anyway. He’s the guy if, I weren’t so hell bent on figuring out how to become a lesbian, I would consider. The one that I let myself entertain thoughts of what would happen if we were to both allow ourselves to be victims of time and circumstance… I’m totally bullshitting. I’m not ready to like anyone. Or…talk to…humans.

It’s complicated too… We work together, we actually have a manageable friendship, he’s someone I can be myself around and my family and friends have met and subsequently fallen in love with him…and by “family and friends” I mean Joy of course because she is both judge and jury.

Anywho, its not important. Because I’ve learned a valuable lesson in the last month-ish about dealing with impossible situations…
Just… don’t.
Profound right?

The truth is I’m not doing so good. Which might be evident by the fact that it is 7am and I am awake. WIDE awake. I haven’t been sleeping much, but you should see all the school work I’ve gotten done!

Okay, no. That’s a lie. I’ve done no schoolwork. Mostly, I sit. Sometimes I walk. More accurately, I wander. I “walked” the other day and ended up clear on the other side of town without the slightest clue how I got there or how long I’d been out… hence the “wandering”.
What was I saying? Oh yes!!

Not doing so great. I’ve been in my room all day, haven’t really had much contact with the outside world except text messages and the Chinese guy who delivered my shrimp fried rice (God bless the patron saints of Dragon Express). And that’s actually okay, if not preferred. I’ve had my phone turned off for hours at a time lately and losing that electronic leash has been pretty nice. Good way to train yourself to stop waiting for calls that never come. Day at a time I guess. Day at a time and more tequila… that’s my remedy.

Oh and another thing….my roots are driving me crazy!! I hate everything about being blond. Why did no one warn me this shit was so high maintenance? Pretty? Yes. Breakup/senior year friendly? Absofuckinglutely not. Anyway I digress…

I realize that I’m better than I feel and that pain is only temporary. I also realize I’ll look back on this in a couple months (I give myself til February before I become completely and utterly disgusted with myself… actually January. I can’t take much more of this shit) and realize its not half as bad as it seems. And maybe I’ll even be able to wax philosophical about love and loss and learning and you’ll be able to read it here dear internets. In the meantime, its now 7:15am, the sun is starting to crawl across my window pane and I still show no signs of being sleepy so its time to break out the tequila to put me to sleep.

I kid, I kid!!

We all know I have no time to shop. I have a bottle of water. Maybe if I hit myself in the head with it hard enough I can get some rest.

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