Judge and Jury… or Just a Bitch?

I don’t judge. Or at least, I try not to anyway. Well, I kinda judge fat people who wear multicolored spandex but COME ON!! I can’t take that and I KNOW you can’t either. But I don’t judge the people I love. Or at least, I try VERY HARD not to. As a matter of fact, some might say I am understanding to an extreme fault… and by “fault” I mean sometimes to the ultimate hurt of myself.

But… *sigh*. What is one to do? See, I have this disease. It is called “I Am Entirely Too Nice To People Though I Pretend to Be Cold Hearted and Mean but With People I Genuinely Love I Truly Wear My Heart on my Sleeve Since it Seems Entirely to Big to Actually Fit in my Chest Cavity”. It is very serious, as is obvious by it’s multi-syllabled name. (I am fairly certain that’s not a word. Anyway…) Because of this, I try to be that best friend-sister-associate-girlfriend person that never judges so that people never feel badly about talking to me when they need someone to talk to. Because I would feel like a horrible friend if anyone in my life ever felt like they didn’t have someone to talk to. Take for instance Shani. When Shani wants to tell me about things she’s done, trials she’s had with her mom, friends that are stupid, I listen, maybe offer advice if she asks for it, certainly try to brighten her spirits with a little dry humor and threats of violence. Because, that is what I’m HERE for. I don’t always agree but I try VERY HARD not to judge and certainly not to lecture because Lord forgive me if I EVER turn into my friggin’ mother. And because, well Shani doesn’t deserve my own ill-gotten biases or my judgement because, despite any mistake she ever makes for the rest of our lives together, she is still one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever had the joy of knowing. Take for instance also my sister who is, to put it lightly, spoiled as hell. AS HELL. ROTTEN some might even say. And she does and says things I would NEVER do. But she’s my sister. And if she can love me through my subtle psychosis for the last four years the least I can do is not judge. I just, I guess, care about people too much. I called ex-boyfriend today for his birthday and he casually mentions that his knee is swollen. I, somehow forget that the last few months even happened and that I am not in fact his girlfriend anymore and hit him with a barrage of questions, “Did you elevate it?”, “Did you wrap it up?”, “Did you take something for the swelling?”, “Are you going to the doctor?” (Good Lord I am my mother… SHIIIIIIIIIIT.) Here I am questioning this grown ass man who’s played every sport known to man if he knows what to do with himself after coming down on his knee wrong. Geesh. Because well, I guess there will always be a part of me that wants to know that, where ever he is, he is completely and totally 100% ok. And there’s yoj who shares entirely, AND I DO MEAN WAAAAAAAAY too much information with me but I can never find it in my heart to judge her or to not care for her no matter how much I may disagree. Because no matter how I’ve ever fucked up, she’s never done more than held my hand and told me she loves me. And I mean, me and John still have a damn good relationship right? So I’m not judgmental? I don’t judge yes?

But see there’s this one friend I have. And I just. Can’t. Take. Her. SHIT. She talks and I immediately make smart comments to make her feel bad. Because she just keeps doing the same. Dumb. SHIT. I try so hard. I do. I try to give her my same, calm, zen, rational and unjudgmental voice I give everyone when we talk about their problems but I just can’t get it up for her. Especially when it comes to men. GOOD LORD WHEN IT COMES TO MEN. I swear this woman manages to find the SAME NIGGA1 in different skin EVERY SINGLE TIME she meets someone new. And it never fails, it always starts the same way, “La, he’s different2. It’s something about him.” There is NOTHING DIFFERENT. EVER. I realize this almost immediately when she goes into her “he drives this kinda car, and has an apartment and wears this kinda clothes and has this kinda jewelry” initial description of him. What about the man himself? Does he have a career and not just a job? Does he keep his word? Who are his friends? Is he religious? What does he love in life? What is he passionate about? What kinda man is he? How does he treat his mama? No answers to these questions because NOTHING IS EVER DIFFERENT. And we all realize this immediately when he eventually becomes described as some variation on the “married-divorced-babymama-7 kids-no job-lives at home with his mama-no degree having-no ambition” theme. And I swear I try, but as soon as she comes out her mouth with them words, “Lala he’s different..” I am laughing. (Oh god, I’ve been in the country too long- ‘them words’?!? Who AM I right now?) And then she SETS ME UP. She asks me things she already knows the answer to. “He’s not in school. Should I get involved with him?” No. “His S.B.M3 is crazy. Should I still talk to him?” HELL NO. “He doesn’t have a job. Should we go out on a date?” Biiiiiiiitch PLEASE. Just STOP IT. You people know I come equipped with no tact, no airbags to make anything easier. Stop asking me things you DON’T want the answer to.

It just astounds me really. How such a successful, grown ass, “got my shit together”, beautiful, smart woman as herself keeps getting involved with these D.A.N.s4 It is just so completely beyond me. And I try not to judge her, try real hard but I SWEAR she is the stupidest sista with a degree I have EVER met. When it comes to men. And family. And finances. And.. SPORTS5. Which personally drives me crazy because I believe that as a HUMAN you must have at least a working knowledge of sports, especially if you’re gonna be one of those women who pretends to like sports just to pull a man as she does.

Anyway, I digress…Maybe I am just exceptionally hard on her. This is her theory, that I am exceptionally hard on her and lighter on my other friends. I don’t think its true… I’m pretty hard on everyone I love. If not with my own issues then DEFINITELY with making them live beyond theirs. Because I know what great people I have in my life, I KNOW what they are capable of. And I will not let themsettle for less just to appease them and hold their hand as they get hurt through the same STUPID SHIT.

So maybe I am judgemental? Am I? I would like to think not. As stated above, I try REALLY hard not to be. Maybe I am failing. Or maybe she just makes it too goddamn hard to be my usual understanding, patient and compassionate self when she keeps bringing these grilled out6 having, trapstar7 life living, Impala pushing, no bank account having, 3 crazy baby mama having, no ambition, ain’t ’bout shit niggas for me to meet. Ok I’m kidding…about the grill. But come on?!?! How many more “Lala he’s different”s can I take?!? I’m just one tiny little Cowboys fan people!! All I want in life is some waffle house, a little bit of dry humor and to see the Heat win a ring. Oh, and expensive shoes. GOT TO HAVE my expensive shoes. (At recount I was up to 303 now I believe. I think this is officially a sickness.) Is that too much to ask? WHERE in that equation do you see “other friends’ unnecessary drama that she brings on herself repeatedly and in the same fashion”? Was it behind the expensive shoes? Did I miss it?

So am I being to harsh maybe? Am I judgmental? Or am I just a bitch? You be the judge. I’m tired of it.

La’s Country Grammar Dictionary

1. nigga– n. or adj.usually a male but occasionally a female who is a cheating, lying, no good, no job having, hustling, bullshitting, fast talking, no ambition, manipulative, no morals having blight on the population of the rest of us upstanding black people. You can find an example of a nigga here.

2. different– adj.usually found spoken in invisible quotation marks to be takenwith a grain of salt as “different” generally denotes someone exactly the same as the last 5 losers she has dated

3. S.B.M.- n.acronym for ‘Super Baby Mama’; a woman who has not just one child with a D.A.N. (see below) but multiple children with one as if trying to become some type of child birthing superhero. For more information please go here.

4. D.A.N.- n.acronym for ‘Dog Ass Nigga’ which can find its roots in disgruntled Howard females generally disgusted with what Howard and DC has to offer by way of men who are not niggas, don’t have an STD and/or aren’t gay. You can find more information about these men here.

5. Sports– n.generally considered anytime of aerobic activity done for competition including but not limited to, basketball, football, baseball, hockey, soccer, boxing and generally doesn’t include sex unless it’s with a trapstar (see below) Additionally, some of these sports even form entire leagues according to the type of sport played including, the NFL, NBA, NHL. You can find more information on this phenomenon here.

6. grilled out– adj.a plate in a person’s mouth adorned with platinum, diamonds, gold, silver or other jewelry as decorations on the teeth as a flashy display of wealth. see also acronyms ‘stupid’ and ‘ghetto’

7. trapstar– n. or adj. generally denotes someone who’s occupation is classified as a “street pharmaceuticals distribution agent” commonly referred to as a drug dealer. You can find more information about this here. And here. Oh and here too.

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