I really don’t know the point of this post aside from the fact that I am always making rather snide and smart ass comments that somehow manage to come off funny and not bitchy. A friend of mine said to me after I said something that was apparently hilarious today, “you should write a book of all the mean, funny stuff you say. I’d buy it.” And then I thought to myself… I can do you one better!! I’ll put it on my blog. So here goes. I’m not really this mean or this full of myself… I promise.
“What are you talking about? She’s just like me. She looks like me…only not as cute. She talks like me…only not as eloquently. She thinks like me…only not as intelligently. The issues we had are the same issues they have. He’s basically doing our whole relationship over again..only not as well. It’s like “Us: The Remix” only with a poorly mixed sample. She’s the cheap knockoff version of me. She’s like “compare to La” perfume. It’s sad really.”
SM: Should I call him?
Me: Girl you know you want to see him.
SM: I do.
Me: Well then girl you better Dial-a-Dick.
Ridiculing Drunk People
Sister: I am sober!!!!!
Me: Yes you are sister, you are sotally tober.
Being Irresistable even though I am not a Member of Ooh La La
“I am a ooh la la girl… Cuz when niggas see me they be like, “Ooh Lala.”
the Number One Reason Why People Move
Me: I’m really looking forward to moving. I just…can’t be here anymore.
Mr. Wonderful: You can’t move to a new city every time you go through a break up.
Me: I disagree. There are a million beautiful cities in the world…and I mean even I can’t go through that many devastating breakups, right?… RIGHT?
Mr. Wonderful: You said we’re a match made in NBA heaven, huh? Hahaha
Me: I stand by my choice.
Mr. Wonderful: Well I guess it’s a good thing I don’t like hockey skiing or something.
Me: We would never have gone out on a date then.
Mr. Wonderful: Why not?
Me: Because I don’t date white guys.
all the Men in my Life
“I…Made. a. Date. With a boy. A straight one. (Isn’t it sad I have to put that?)”
How the World is Unfair to Short People
“SUVs are damn near impossible for tiny people to get in and out of in heels.”
What School Means to Me
“It’s the last two weeks of the semester, universally known to all college students as the time of the year when you try desperately to make up for being a horribly lazy student all semester by doing crazy amounts of work on 2 hours of sleep and 30 pounds of coffee without killing
Shani Wanting Cowboy Boots…
Me: Are you fucking kidding me?
Shani: I thought I told you to shut up. I neeeeeeeeeeed them! Why won’t anyone support me? What’s life without a little bit of happiness now and then in the shape of really nice leather boots. And yes, boots are material possessions, which can’t make a person happy. They are also symbols, however, for very happy childhood memories. Therefore, while I don’t technically *need* them, they make me reminiscent of good times, and looking at them makes me smile. So shut up.
Me: Um… still no wife. But nice closing argument… and by nice I mean still wrong and I say closing b/c this conversation is over. NO BOOTS. COWBOY BOOTS=DIVORCE. COWBOY BOOTS=THE END TO LIFE AS U KNOW IT B/C I WILL RUN U OVER WITH KYLE’S CAR.
Why Relationships End
Steve: You ever been with someone and in the begininng it all started off good and then it just got really, really bad and you dont know why?
Me: Yes. That is why I’m single.
Not Being Able to Do What I Want Just Because I’m a Girl
“I HATE the double standard that women have to deal with. I hate that I can’t like basketball (which I do) without someone accusing me of pretending to like it to get a man (which I don’t have to do). I hate that I can’t wear whatever I want to wear (which I do) without someone looking at me like I sleep around (which I don’t). I hate I can’t talk about sex honestly, openly, and frankly (which I do often) without people looking at me like I’m a slut or some kinda freak (which isn’t always far from the truth but only with the right person). And I hate that I can’t be up front about what I want in a man and what I will not tolerate without being labeled demanding or unreasonable or a bitch (which I often am).”
Why it’s Fun Harassing Those That you KNOW are Smarter than You
Olu:You better listen to me. I know these things.
Me: What?!? You know NO things.
Shani Unleashing her Inner Prep
“You’re so fired. LOL I knew it would come out of you eventually. You know what the prep leads to right? The “stay at home mom” uniform. Blindingly white tennis skirts, cardigan thrown over ur shoulders and Keds… here you come!!!”
Running Relationships like the Workplace
“Just keep in mind this open door is also a revolving one and that your space will be filled pretty quickly. Please don’t get upset. Please no letters, phone calls, emails, instant messages, or texts. You have resigned from your position and you have been replaced. “
Why Tigger Woods is Still only Marginally Popular
“And by the way, does anyone else agree that Bitch Slapping should be a sport? I mean wouldn’t you rather watch that on TV than, say, golf?”
Shani Calling me a Label Whore
“You put my page as a link under ‘label whore’? That’s not nice. People in cyberspace might think I’m shallow. They dont know my deep inner workings. And that is so not fetch-ohmigod!!! Manolos!!!”
Shani: I NEED MY ROOMMATE’S FRIEND TO LEAVE
Me: Lol Y?
Shani: she’s singing. And her voice is annoying. And she’s a FUCKING CHILD
Me: Oh lord have mercy jesus
Shani: like, she acts like that annoying kid that your mom used to invite over, b/c she was friends with the kids mom and you were like, i don’t LIKE YOU. And the kid was like, “you wanna go play computer games?” And you were like, “No. Go away.”
Me: Gotta love it. Go make friends!! Go play nice… go kick her in the shins
Why I Never Pick up the Phone… I’m Probably Doing 1 of the 2
“Screening, by the way, is my favorite practice of all time. Better than faking orgasms, really.”
Why Crying is Pointless
“Oh by the way, I hardly ever cry. It makes me makeup run. “
How Breakups Destroy Your Social Skills
“I’m not ready to like anyone. Or…talk to…humans.”
Mnemosyne14: she was so LOUD
Lalafrmatl: As most blacks r
Mnemosyne14: i was like, um, dial it down a notch, sweetie, you’re only embarrassing yourself
Mnemosyne14: lol, right? Black people are SO LOUD
Lalafrmatl: I know right? And I don’t understand why
Mnemosyne14: like, it’s 4345839048 decibels in there
Lalafrmatl: I’m RIGHT HERE.
Mnemosyne14: the room is only 4 feet by 3.5 feet. Come on guys!! Every day, i’m like, GUYS! WHY CAN I HEAR YOU DOWN BY THE ELEVATOR? JESUS!
Lalafrmatl: Ohmigod they’ve gotten to you too. You’re yelling via internet
Mnemosyne14: i’ve been infected
Lalafrmatl: Oh no!! The blackness!! Its got u!!
Why Shani is Absolutely no Help in a Exestensial Crisis
Me: If all my exes have very distinct and separate issues and all they have in common is me…am i the issue?
Shani: …yes. Of course not. You have the issue
Shani: You find the guys with these serious issues… how?
Me: b/c… I have issues?
Shani: yeah… read back to WHAT I JUST SAID. It’s not about them, it’s about you
Me: ahh gotcha!! I’m fucked up. Great.
Shani: But yeah, it’s not about you being fucked up – everyone is – it’s about you recognizing that and … doing… something … proactive… i guess? I dunno. I can only answer three questions per day
Me: Could you have told me that b/f hand? I’d appreciate knowing ur limit b/f actually entering into a dead-end therapy session
Shani: That’s a question.
the Real Reason so Many Men are in Jail
Me: BULLSHIT NIGGA YOU A DAN!!! It’s amazing… niggas never stay how they present themselves to be in the begininng.. And then when we say something about it its “why you trying to change me?” No YOU NIGGA, I’m not trying to change you, I’m just trying to hold you accountable for the person you presented yourself as in the begininng. Thats impersonation and fraud. You can go to jail for that shit!!!
Why I’m a Good Friend
Shani: why am i seriously cleaning my ipod. like, how anal is that
La: wow sweetie. u should leave ur room. Now. NOW. Please. Your life depends on it…
and by ur life I mean that if you get anymore pitiful, I will kill you. Out of the kindness of my heart.