Which will be hard for me, because well, I like being in control. Really, you might not know me and might not believe me, but things REALLY DO go better when I’m in charge. Really. Don’t just ask me… I have references!!! But that is beside the point. I realize, that I cannot, will not have control over everything. And that truly growing up means that I have to learn how to deal with that. The truth is, I have to learn how to deal with things as they come, not how to control and manipulate them from the begininng. Because when things (inevitably) go their own way anyway, I am caught so completely off guard. And I spend more time going, “Where did I lose control of things?” rather than saying, “Ok how can I fix it.” This I recognize is gonna be very hard for me. It involves a certain kind of courage, a certain faith in people and a trust in others that I’m not sure I have yet. But I want it. I’d like to stop being that girl that’s always looking for the catch, that’s always analyzing the ways that someone could fuck me over, trying to cut them off at the pass. I’d like not to be the girl that only remembers the negative about things and people. And more importantly, I don’t want to be so good at controlling everything that everyone EXPECTS me to do it, as I have in the past. I don’t want always to be the go-to girl, the fix it girl, the “well you know Lauren will take care of it”. I’d like, for a change, for someone else to take responsibility for something. And I’m thinking that maybe, in my zeal to help, to encourage, to be there for the people I love do dearly, that I have actually crippled them. Maybe, when I thought I was stepping in to help, I was actually impairing their ability to control their own lives. I never meant to of course, but I can see how, in some of my relationships, this could be entirely possible. I mean some of my friends come to me for advice on things that I should TOTALLY have no say in, and they look shocked whenever I say that I’m not going to help or give advice. Maybe I have done more harm than good.
So I will not stress over things I cannot change like the fact that people are exactly who they tell you they are and you can’t change them, the fact that there are women in the world who don’t realize that there are field goals in basketball as well, that there are fat people in bright spandex EVERYWHERE, that jimmy choo WILL NOT in fact make shoes just for me for the rest of my life, that I CAN’T please everyone, that most of my family will just always be crazy, that there is a possiblity that my life will take me away from all the people I love and cherish, that no one really wants to make an SUV that’s easy for short people to climb into, that I will not in fact ever change my mother or the fact that George Bush is in office.
However, I do hear that Toronto is beautiful this time of year.