#2: I Will not Apologize

For anything. EVER.

Unless I am actually wrong and TRULY sorry.

Sometimes, I find myself so timid, so quiet that it astounds me. I have never been timid nor quiet. But there are times when I am so intimidated by some of the things I fear that it causes a complete and total change in me. I catch myself often times offhandedly apologizing for things that I haven’t really done wrong or things that, really, I am not sorry for. I have become, recently, so anti-confrontation that I find myself going to great lengths to avoid it because sometimes I just don’t feel I have the strength for the fight. Immediately thereafter, I am so disgusted with myself, so shocked at this person I’ve turned into that I barely know how to sit still with me. Is this what I have allowed time and persecution to do to my spirit? Weaken my desire, my drive, my NEED to fight? Not acceptable.

I am tired of apologizing for things I am not sorry for. I am tired of apologizing for things that I meant to do. And as horrible as it may sound, I am tired of apologizing to people that I hurt intentionally just because I don’t wanna seem like a bad person. A teacher once told me, “No man has ever accomplished anything great that was afraid to be disliked.” And I think he was right. Never in my life have I ever been afraid to be the bad guy. Because the truth is that I realize even when I do things I am not particularly proud of, I am still a good person. Those that know me and that truly love me unconditionally, recognize this as well.

I realize that in some ways, I have made apologies for many aspects of my personality even when I was never saying a word. My changing myself was an apology, my assiduously avoiding arguments when I knew I was right was a silent admission of guilt. And I will not do it anymore.

I will not apologize for being anything that I am even if that means being, focused, selfish, driven, blunt or even if necessary detatched. Because I have done it too long, given out meaningless apologies so long that it’s a wonder that I am not in fact, as sorry as I say I am.

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