Sister: It shouldn’t be this hard.
Me: I know. How do I keep getting myself into these almost relationships? And why don’t I leave?
Sister: haha almost relationships. I like that.
Me: I like the phrase. Notsomuch the situation
So there’s this guy. (Isn’t there always?) He and I started getting close last summer after one too many 6,7,8 hour phone conversations well into the wee hours of the morning. There was an attraction there, but there were strings; he had a girl and I wanted to marry another man. But he was there. Available. Patient. Funny. Intelligent. Ambitious. Loves sports. All the combinations of things that are an aphrodisiac to me. But the damn strings. So, as to not risk getting tangled up, a few months into our _____ we decided- mutually but away from each other- that we would avoid each other.
It lasted all of a week.
I had butterflies. And I still do every time he calls. That night we talked well into the morning. And have many, many nights since.
Here’s the thing; we’re not together. Never have been. Up until recently, never even entertained the possibility. When we first met he was with someone and I had no intentions of ruining the thing I had going at the time. Fast forward almost a year. Things have changed. Mostly initiated by him. What started out as just friends has quickly turned into feelings… on his part and mine. Things I never expected.
I talked to Childhood Bestie about it, about the uncertainty, about treading the deep waters of the things we’ve yet to discuss. She tells me that I should talk to him. I talked to another friend and he says the same; TALK to him about it. You won’t know until you ask. The ‘what ifs’ will kill you.
They’re right of course. But here’s the thing: I’ve done this already. Yes, he has really put himself out there, more than any man I’ve ever known. But I’ve done the whole let-yourself-go-be-open-and-vulnerable and it didn’t end up so well. I did it with Gay Husband; I got fucked over. I said after that I was done with it. Then I met Almost Fiance and I decided to try again. What happened? I got fucked over. I mean I don’t know how much one person can be expected to take. Do you keep trying, keep being open even when you keep getting fucked over?
But that’s not really the point of this post. These “almost” relationships I keep finding myself in… do they count? Why do I keep doing this to me? Is an almost relationship even worth trying to turn into a real relationship? Yes, things are good with us, yes there’s chemistry, yes we compliment each other and have at least 20 million things in common. But is it enough?
When does almost start to count?