Beloved

I was so ready to be done with school. I was over Howard, over being a student, over walking across the yard to go to class, over going to class period. I was so ready to be done with it all.

And I’m glad it’s over.

What I did not truly account for is how much I would miss certain people that I didn’t necessarily realize had become such a big part of my everyday life and general keeping me sane rituals.

There are a few people.

But mostly I miss Shani.

I adore her. I’ve never met another human like her. She is kind and generous and heartfelt and genuine. She is intelligent without being demeaning, funny without being corny (all the time), and caring without being nagging. A precarious balance that few humans manage with such grace and poise. And her hair is always so shiny! LOL

I love her. I hate the way she came into my life, we both do I think, but I’m glad it happened the way it did. We cut straight through the superficial getting to know you bullshit and cut straight to the heart of each other. She is one of very few people who knows my heart that I so carefully keep hidden. She took the time to get to know me, has seen me at my worst, at my ugliest, at my lowest and most dispicable, and she still loves me, still tells me I’m beautiful. I don’t know why. But this is who she is. And I adore every inch of her.

Mostly, I worry about her. Because I love her. And because I want nothing but sunshine and roses for her. And while I realize that this would lead to a mostly boring existence for her, it is in my heart to want to protect her from the things and people in her life that might hurt her. And I worry so much. And I can’t just catch a shuttle and see her and look her in her beautiful brown eyes and see if she is lying about being ok. I want Thai food, but I can’t bring myself to go the place she first took me for my birthday. I drove by our beloved mexican place where we’ll curse and cry over mojitos (for me) and swirly margaritas (for her). It made me sad because I wanted to go by and pick her up so we could go and talk about life. I want to see her, to hear about the pretty shirt she bought, to argue with her about whether or not she neeeeeds cowboy boots, talk about our mothers, trade our special dry intelligent humor while somehow still managing to discuss some world issues that we don’t always agree on, but we always can talk about. But she is not here. I can’t see her, and while I talk to her on the phone, text her often, it is not the same because Shani gives some of the best hugs in the universe and I cannot get one and I need one. And because I feel in my heart that she needs a hug as well and I cannot get to her to give it to her. I feel like a bad friend. But mostly, I just miss her.

So my darling wife, please take care of yourself as I would were I there to do it. Because you are, by far, one of the smartest things I have done with my life, and I would be heartbroken if you were. Please call me every once in awhile and let me hear your voice because I will miss that too. And when things get difficult please remember that there is someone, somewhere, wherever I will be, loving you, missing you, and adoring every inch of you.

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