“You know you broke my heart once.”
This is what he tells me. I’d say I’m shocked but I’d be lying. Apparently I’ve built quite a reputation back home for being a heartbreaker. “The Untouchable” I believe one of them called me.
I’d say that this is the third time I’ve had this conversation with someone from my past…
In the last year.
I used to feel bad when I’d have this conversation; when men would tell me how they’d been stricken by me, only to find me emotionally unavailable. It’s about this time, that I tell them I don’t want a relationship, that they hear, “Do you accept this challenge?” and eagerly sign their names of the dotted line of four weeks of survivor style tests.
Four weeks. This is about the average lifespan of a crush for me. About the time it takes, apparently, to crush a heart.
I used to feel bad. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t anymore. Had I led them on, allowed them to believe that it would be more than what it was, then maybe I’d feel guilty. But I never did that. You took on a challenge that was never extended to you. I never told you to try to win me over. I am not most women. No does not mean yes. No means take what I am willing to give you or leave me the hell alone. As far as I’m concerned, you broke your own heart.
So I am the heart breaker apparently. The Untouchable. Kinda a cool legacy to leave behind I guess, a kinda boys only club I’ve been accepted into. I wish I could say I felt sorry, but that wouldn’t be true. I wish I could say that they were probably all lovely young men I would’ve been lucky to have. That would be a lie as well.
I will say this: I am not sorry for the way I’ve lived my life. I’ve never made excuses or apologies for anything I’ve done. I will not start now. My life is my own to live it as I see fit, and I’ve never closed a door behind anyone that felt they needed to walk away. I’ve never held anyone captive, never had to, there was always an exit available. You just never chose to take it.
And I will not apologize for your choices.