10 Things I’ve Learned from 4th of July in DC

1. Watching fireworks half drunk is scary.

2. It’s never comfortable to have a friends’ family members flirt with you.

3. See #2 and add a suitor 30 years my senior.

4. See #2 and add a suitor 7 years my junior.

5. Pink Pussies are a drink, and will cause family members from #3 to engage in a very disturbing conversation about female genitalia.

6. The Rick James Bitch is also a drink. It will make you get naked and run down the street singing showtunes.

7. Fireworks are more fun when they’re illegal.

8. Fireworks are less fun you’re a little drunk. Wait-did I write that already?

9. All the life advice you need from your elders consist of the 3 Fs: “If they’re not fucking you, feeding you, or fighting you, the fuck ’em”.

10. Everyone else’s family is cooler than mine.