I Wish a Muthaf*cka Would…

God bless Texas. These niggas are crazy. I have heard and seen some of the WILDEST SHIT since I got here. Old slang I haven’t heard anyone use, indigenious slang I haven’t heard anyone use, and just plain ol’ coonery and nonesense. The highlights:

~ the girl I drove past on 45 eating… tape. Off a roll. TAPE!!!!! Like the industrial kind. TAPE PEOPLE?!?!

~ the big kuntry cow tippin’ white boy in the big Ford pickup with the Confederate flag in the back…bumping Pimp C

~ the cow tippin’ league. Coonery!

~ the complete lack of zoning in Houston. I.e. the big beautiful white and blue house sitting on a couple acres of immaculate land… next to the train station… next to the pasture filled with horses… next to the projects. What kinda pjs have you heard of where you can look out your window and see HORSES?!?! Tom foolery!

~ the dude who approached me and said, “Gul you fina then all outdoze” (Translation: Girl you’re finer than all outdoors.)

~ “You aint from ’round these here parts is ya?” (because I stated publicly that I didn’t like Bush. They’re coming to stone me later.)

~ “Yo that shit was dumb fresh dude!!!” a kuntry ass guy trying to sound like a NY dude

~ “Girl if you were a steak I’d eat every ounce of you.” Yep. Just creepy.

~ “I’m finna go…” Me after exactly 2.73 hours of being here

~ the latina girl who said “I wish a muthafucka would…” at least once every 1.43 minutes.

WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD “I WISH A MUTHAFUCKA WOULD…”?!?! LOL! I forgot how great that phrase was in high school! I haven’t said that in years! My personal favorite was, “I wish a muthafucka would jump stupid up in this bitch.” (Translation: I wish someone would start a fight in here.) I was the WORST. Hahahahaha I dunno how anyone stayed my friend through my ghetto-ocity in high school (and middle school. And freshman year of college. And second semester of senior year). And being down here has just reminded me of how COUNTRY I must have sounded when I first got to DC. HA! I called a friend of mine from Howard the other day and about 2 minutes into the conversation he stops me and says, “La. Wait. I dunno what the hell you’re saying.” Ahh the accent I worked so hard to lose is back.

And did I mention everything is bigger in Texas? And by everything… I mean the drinks!!! Thank every God known to man for Texas sized margaritas. Take a moment…
Mmmmmmm… Bless it! (Ha! How throwback is that John and Javon?)

Anywho, a bit of randomness to leave you with…
Can you really be fine as all outdoors?

Is it wrong that I’m totally in love with Fergie’s new song London Bridges even though it’s CLEARLY a cheap, easy whore of a Gwen Stefani knockoff?

Is it true that all you need in life IS your Chevy truck?

Will a hit dog REALLY holler?

Hahahaha…

Oh and I think I told Jameil but didn’t spread the word around, but everyone is invited to post their own “Bitches be Hatin'” stories on their blogs and invite their blog buddies to do the same. I got some REALLY good ones emailed to me but I dunno if I’m allowed to post it. I’ll ask.

Oh! And go over to the left and click on “She’s Just not Feeling you” and read So Wise’s account of her first foray to a stripclub because I’m too lazy to put up a link. It inspired me to write about my own first time, which is already written but in the notes on my sidekick so who knows how long it’ll take to get posted?

And one last thing, I promise PROMISE! Why must one have a grill… to match their car?!?!?!

That’s all I’m sayin’…

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