My Favorite Accessories to Every Outfit

So, T.I. almost got me a ticket a few months back. I swear!

Okay, maybe not T.I. in the flesh, but listening to “Top Back” in the car wasn’t helping me keep my speed anywhere near the legal limits.

So, I was speeding. A lil. In honor of Atl. 🙂

And I got pulled over. I was pretty scared because it was late and dark and I was kinda off of the beaten path. And I pretty much figured I was going to jail because I was damn near airborne. When I looked in the rear view and realize it’s a guy, I found myself suddenly wishing that I had pulled over somewhere a little more well lit. This guy was really big, hardly the donuts and coffee eating variety. He had a gun.

So, let’s set the scene. It’s dark, I’m in the car shivering and hoping I don’t end up on the news. Big 220 pound, 6 foot 5 cop is striding towards the driver side, gun in clear view, rigidity set in his jaw. I start praying. A lot.

By this time he’s reached my window.

He is CUTE!

He smiles at me. “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

I try to weigh my options. I can play dumb and maybe he’ll let me go. I can be completely honest and hope he finds my honesty refreshing and will let me go, appreciative of the fact that I didn’t try to play him.

“I have a pretty good idea that it wasn’t anywhere near the speed limit.”

He laughs. Okay, good sign. I smile a little and he smiles even harder at me. I notice he hasn’t asked me for any of my info yet. Another good sign. And then…

“You realize that I’m gonna have to give you a pretty serious ticket huh?”

Sigh. Maybe not.

He squats down. He can still see clear through the window because he’s THAT tall. All of a sudden he blinks really rapidly and looks stuck for a second. Is there something on my face? Do I have something illegal in the car? Is this the look he gives scared girls at least a third of his size when he’s about to give them a ticket that will cost them 100 MILLION DOLLARS? Or worst, is this the look he gives tiny women before he savagely beats and rapes them mere feet from their cars?!?! WHAT is he looking at?

And then I realize it.
I have on a wife beater.
He’s looking at my boobs.

“If I let you go without giving you a ticket, can you slow it down a little?”

HELL YEAH I can!!!

“Of course,” I say, “and I’d really appreciate it. I just wanna get home cuz I’m kinda sleepy.”
“Understandable. I’ve been in your position many times myself. I’m gonna let you go with a warning.” pause “Can I ask you a question?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“You single?”

So, I ended up not getting a ticket and going on a couple dates with a VERY cute cop. (Even after I’d sworn off cops lol) This happened months ago but the girls keep reaping the benefits. Everywhere.

My mom and I go to Cheesecake Factory a couple weeks ago and it takes FOREVER for the waiter to come. When he finally does, he glances my way and suddenly our service is IMPECCABLE for the rest of the evening. My mother is jealous, I’m positively tickled. LOL

I go with Mr. Wonderful months back to pick out a new plasma screen TV. I start talking up the sales guy who can’t stop staring at my black sweater. In the end, we walk out with a brand new TV about 20% off and complimentary speakers thrown in.

It happens all the time. And I’m okay with it. If I have to have a period every month this is a fair trade. And to be perfectly honest about it, my boobs are spectacular.

No. Really. They’re awesome.

I won’t describe them in detail, but imagine what a really great boob job looks like. That’s what mine look like. Except they’re REAL!

I went to a gay club with some co-workers a long time ago wearing a bustier. I’d been staring all night at this beautiful man standing in the corner who I’d never be able to have beautiful children with. Suddenly, he walked over, grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear, “What are you drinking beautiful?” He bought me a drink, and we talked and after a minute he says, “You have the most beautiful breasts I have ever seen. You’re really making me miss women right now and I haven’t felt that in years. Who did them?”
“Um, God.” I reply and his mouth drops.
“They’re… REAL?!?!?!”
He was astounded. He also bought all my drinks for the rest of the night and fawned over me until dawn.

Anyway, I said all that to say that my boobs are my favorite and most flattering accessory to every outfit in my closet. Especially in my new bras I had to buy myself out of growing out of my old ones. They push them way up to there.

And hey, sometimes you gotta wear your titties as earrings, you know?

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