I’m in this funny place. Not funny like haha, funny like I don’t know what else to call it. I’m searching for the words but I’m not doing so well. I find myself in a state of polarity; I want a hug but I don’t want to be touched. I want someone to call me, but I don’t wanna talk. I hate being alone but I can’t stand meaningless company. I wanna smile but I’m so tired.
I’m in my head a lot. Which I guess could explain my current disgust with words that don’t work. Walking around inside my head among the disconnected thoughts, thinking about things I haven’t thought of in years. I’m excavating old disaster sites, trying to see if there’s anything salvageable among the ruins. My soul is unsettled.
I can’t think of much more to say. I feel as though I brought this state on myself. So I, logically should be the one to get me out. This is my fault, I guess. I keep thinking to myself that I don’t know who I’ve turned into. I can’t navigate the distance between who people think I am and who I see. I am caught between the couldas, wouldas, shouldas.
I’m just… tired.