I often ponder the big decisions I’ve made and wonder how my life would be different. What if I’d never gone to Howard? Who would I be? Who would I know? How would my life be different? What if I didn’t grow up in Atlanta? What if I grew up in, say, Cali? Would the changes be minimal? Or would I be 180 degrees completely and totally away from who I am now?
Then I read this short story today by Jennifer Wiener, who is quickly shaping up to be one of my favorite chick lit authors. It was called “The Guy not Taken” or something like that. In it, the main character, though happily married and years over him, stumbles across a wedding announcement of an ex-boyfriend. She allows herself to envision what life would be like had she been the one marrying him rather than ending up in the life she’s living.
And it got me to thinking… what if I had the guy not taken? What if I’d stayed in Atl after high school with my first love? Would I no longer have an empty ring finger to show people when they lift my left hand expecting us to be married when I return home and face inevitable questions about us? Would we have worked out? What about the Will to my Grace? What if we hadn’t found a common shared interest in handsome men? How would life have worked out for us? For our friends? And Almost Fiance? What if I really HAD packed up my whole life and moved it to Alaska, or wherever he was gonna spend that 3 year block stationed? Would we still be together? Would I be barefoot and pregnant by now? Or would I have wound up resenting him like I always feared I would? What if I’d asked Mr. Wonderful to stay in DC? Or better yet, moved to Chicago with him? What if I’d met him before me and Almost Fiance made such a mess of things? Would I be different? And Mr. Vague? What if I could finally get him to open up? What if his schedule wasn’t always so jam packed? What if he had room for me in his life? Would we wind up together? What if I’d given in to all the things Babe was willing to do for our relationship? Would it have worked? Would going against my gut have turned out fruitful for me? What if just ONE of all these relationships had worked out? Would I be so distrustful? Would I still be so sour on the idea of love and relationships? Would I still feel so insecure and be able to trust more people? Would I be totally different? Would Pseudo not be putting up with all of the crazy craziness he puts up with now? Would he even like me? Would he even KNOW me?
What if? What if I’d gone left instead of right? What if I’d followed my heart instead of my head? And vice versa? What if I’d done wrong instead of right? What if I’d spoken instead of keeping quiet? What if I’d stayed rather than moved on?
What do you do with the what ifs?
And then I realized, fuck it. I don’t care, lol. It all happened the way it was supposed to. And some of them niggas I’m so happy to be rid of I don’t even know whatthefucktodowitmygoddamnself, lol. Mean, maybe, yes, but dammit, looking back on it all just… why?
That’s my new years resolution. Nothing else. Be done with the what ifs. No more trying to predict the future. I dunno what could have happened. I dunno what would have happened. And I don’t care.
Real talk, I just want my man to come home and play in my hair*.
*See post above.