Dear Mama

I can’t imagine I was an easy child to raise. I’ve never really been any trouble, I’ve just always been particularly stubborn, bullheaded, prideful, willful and rude. I’ve always been much older than my age. Partially I guess just because it was in my nature but mostly because I had to be. I’ve always been independent, fiercely so, so much so that over the years I’ve developed the attitude that I am all I need. I’m reliable. I take care of myself. I am an island unto myself that is pretty much self sufficient. I couldn’t imagine trying to find room to parent that child.

I guess I can’t say I was always a good child. But with the exception of 2 or 3 months during and immediately following my senior year in high school, I haven’t given anyone too much trouble. During that time, I lost my mind in a major way. Do I wish that the events that unfolded occurred differently? Sometimes. Am I ashamed? Hell no. I went through things at 18 that most women double my age would have bent and folded under. It was a painful time for me, probably the most painful time in my life, but I walked out the other side clearer, focused, more driven, a battle tested warrior who navigated a sea of land mines only to walk through unscathed. I am a fighter. The year I turned 18, I learned that. That year tested my resolve and I passed. I’m damn proud of myself.

But it still hurt me. And she never lets me forget it.

Every time I seem like I even might misstep, she throws that year in my face. The one time in 22 years I’ve ever been anything less than pristine and I’ll never hear the end of it. Ever.

And what kinda person takes your greatest pain and cuts you open with it at their own discretion?

I know things. Things I’ll probably never admit, words I’ll probably never speak into existence. But I know. No matter what, I’ll always know.
And that governs everything.

In the end, I’d like to be the bigger person. The one who can gracefully forgive and forget. But I’m not that woman. I am still stubborn, bullheaded, prideful, willful and rude.
And honest.

I know things.

And that governs everything.