I miss you.
It’s that simple, really, where everything else is so complex.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you at least once. And each time I do, my stomach falls a few inches lower, the back of my mouth tastes metallic. The moment passes, coming in waves that are becoming shorter as time goes on. I shake myself off. I do something. But you’re still there. Standing in the corner. Watching me.
Mostly I think about who we were. We were friends once, right? I remember so many nights staying up and talking to you. How every conversation over all the years I’ve known you has flowed easily like water. I never got tired of talking to you. The sun always seemed to surprise us when it came up and signaled that we’d be crazy to continue our conversation.
We were crazy a few times, I remember.
Your voice was always so captivating to me. So commanding and soothing at the same time. A balance between powerful and vulnerable, an aphrodisiac to my ears. Not in a sexual way, far deeper than that. You moved me. The timbre of your voice always affected me. It’s why I’d text so much more often than call. Because sometimes just hearing you threw me off balance. Your voice always got to me. I don’t think I ever told you that.
You knew me well, right? I mean, I feel as though you knew me on such a profound level, and I, you. I knew every tone of your voice, every gesture. I KNEW you, I think. We were friends, right? I can’t think of a conversation we haven’t had. I can’t think of a thing we haven’t shared, good, bad or indifferent. Unflinchingly honest, and so damn intense.
We had such a connection, you and I. Nothing else like it. It was so profound even when we were silly, so deep even when we spoke on the superficial. So intensely hypnotic, like a song no one else could understand, but we knew every word to. I sang our tune so often the world seems in discord now that the melody is so foreign to me.
We had that kind of forever love that so few attain. We had it, right there in our palms, and we dropped it, so carelessly. So sure it was permanent, we took it so for granted.
Of course, that was meant to be part of our journey as well.
Now that we don’t speak, it hurts. It cuts so deeply, that I can’t bring myself to think about it, not being your friend, walking the course of my life without you.
I’m thinking about it now.
Even when you weren’t around, I carried you with me. You were always in the corner, watching me, like you always said you would. I could feel you, nowhere near me, but always within arms reach.
And now, the distance is cavernous, so wide, so vast that we is just a memory now, an old song I can only remember bits and pieces of, but never the whole thing. I’ve lost it, somewhere, just as I’ve lost you.
Now that I’ve gotten some distance from things, Ive come to realize so many things I was blind to before. Big things and small things, but important things nonetheless. I don’t think I we were ever meant to stay in each other’s lives. God, that hurts to admit. Maybe what we thought was forever was just seasonal, and maybe we hurt each other so badly because we tried to hold on to our spring long after winter had stolen its color. It’s just so cold now, this distance, and it eats at me to know that this is how it is to be.
I miss you, is all. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t remember us, as we were, and for a moment, you are my friend as I knew you and all is well, our laughter strung high in the clouds, night turning into daybreak on our conversations, the smooth, intoxicating rhythm of your voice. But then, I’m back Here, and I remember things as they Are. Each day it breaks my heart a little more. I don’t know if it’ll ever stop hurting. But I know it’s best.
There is a song that reminds me of you. I can’t bear to listen to it because it reminds me of you and it never fails to make me cry. Laylah Hathaway and Joe Sample. I think you’d like it, simple piano, beautiful harmonies. She sings and it breaks my heart.
And now you’re doing well
From stories I hear tell
You own the world again
Everyone’s your friend
And though I never hear from you
Still it’s nice to know
You used to love me so
When your life was low
I know now that I won’t feel you anymore, that I won’t turn around and you’ll be there in the corner, watching over me the way you promised you always would. And that hurts. But it’s right. There was a time when we were as I always hoped we would be, and I cherish that. And despite all that has happened, I’ll always believe you used to love me so.