HEAL NIGGA!!!!

No bullshit, this is what Wise said to me at about 1am this morning.

After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing, it made me realize I should explain some stuff.

Everyone keeps waiting for me to fall apart. Everyone keeps pushing me to talk, to cry, to write, to go out on a date (ok maybe just 2 people want me to do that), to just DO SOMETHING about this whole breakup thing. And they don’t understand why I won’t. So here’s the story.

The truth is, this has been building for the better part of a month. Its actually the reason I never finished my New Orleans recap; I just couldn’t bring myself to recall all those warm and fuzzy feelings from our trip when he was being distant. And distant he definitely was being.

Me and The Great Houdini talked alllll day everyday. IM, text, email, multiple phone calls, something. It was part of the reason we were able to stay so content during our time apart; talking all the time made sure we were included in each other’s daily lives, so we still felt connected.

After we got back from New Orleans, that just stopped.

At first it was just him not responding to IMs all of a sudden and disappearing for hours at a time. Then the phone calls stopped. We got into it over that. He said he was just busy with work. That was fair because he had taken off quite a bit of time lately, partially to come see me. So I tried to take that blow and continue being the understanding girlfriend I’d always been. Then it came to the point where there was nothing. For 4 days, I didn’t hear from him. Finally I sent him a text asking if he wanted to be single. The next day, he emailed me from work, yadda yadda, his phone wasn’t working, whatever. For me, this was no excuse; there are too many ways for us to get in contact with each other. And he would never EVER allow me to go missing for days at a time without being on the first plane out to Houston to lay hands on me. It was about then I started to get worried. I let it ride. More days went by. Still nothing. I was going to just take the L and let go but my sister convinced me I should call him, email him, something and tell him what I was thinking and not just jumping to conclusions and saying it was over. So I did. I sent him an email to his phone.

Seven hours later when he responded I was pretty much done. He wrote that he had just been going through some things that he didn’t know how to talk to me about.

I think that was when everything changed for me.

The important thing to know is that me and The Mexican have always been brutally honest with each other. And no I’m not talking about how you claim to be honest with your man but you both know there are things you don’t say. This is the man with whom, in the early phases of our relationship when we were both seeing other people, I said, “Hey, I’m with another dude. I’ll have to hit you back in the morning.” And we were cool.
Yeah. THAT kinda honesty.

And through everything that had always been our constant. Being able to talk about anything. I mean, I’ve told him things I never wanted to tell ANYONE let alone him because alot of it could have threatened our relationship. But it didn’t. It made us stronger.
So that’s why I didn’t understand.

I forwarded the email he sent me to Joy because I’d been venting to her this whole month about him. Except I sent it back to him. He got upset about me “forwarding his words that were meant for me”. We went back and forth about that. He acknowledged that we needed to talk.

I didn’t hear from him for 3 more days.

I sent 1 more text. He hit me back saying he still wanted to talk to me. I texted him and said nevermind. You’ve pretty much told me all I needed to know about our relationship. He insisted on talking to me, but said he’d understand if I didn’t want to. That he would “hit me when he had the time to give the conversation the attention it deserved.”

That was 4 days ago.

I’m through.

So yes, I know you’re all waiting for me to break down and all, but I’m not. Sometimes I’m angry, but mostly I’m just so damn disappointed. He’s not the direct, upfront person he said he was. That he could just so easily discard me from his life because he was “going through some stuff” is what blows me. That’s never been who we were. Even when the problem was each other, we could always be there for the other. And he wouldn’t let me do that. I told him that over the last month, he’s shown me that I could live without him if necessary.

And that’s what I’m doing.

No we still haven’t had a conversation. And I guess it’s not gonna happen and I’ll have to be good with that.

So no yall, I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna fall apart. I’m gonna spend about as long mourning this as he did ending it…

And I’m good.

There will be no crying, no sad love songs, no extensive penned missives about him. (I don’t think. I’m not feeling that right now, but I reserve the right to change my mind. Who knows, maybe I’ll look up in a month and be all kinds of crazy.)(probably not though.)
That’s not to say I don’t have questions, or I’m not angry and disgusted and disappointed. Cuz I’m all of those things.

But I’m also La. And one monkey don’t stop my show. All I need for the show to go on it me.

And I am present and fucking accounted for.

So there you go Wise. I’m healed.

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