Take the Love

Almost Fiance was in town for a couple hours yesterday. He had a layover here on his way to DC for his lil sister’s graduation.

Sidenote: doesn’t it suck when you fall crazy in love with his family like you do him? Like I SERIOUSLY MISS his mama and his sister. Had I not been worried about overstepping my boundaries, I even thought about flying to DC for her graduation cuz I love her THAT much. Sigh.

I was nervous. I didn’t tell anyone that. He and I have been talking and texting alot. I haven’t told anyone that either. Now before everyone gets all “la what are you DOING?!?!” on me, I realize that nothing about our situation has changed. So hoe, sit down.

I probably got a little too cute to go pick him up at 8am. In my defense, I did have somewhere to be after I dropped him back off. But even still, it was probably a bit much for early am. But anyone who knows me knows I don’t believe in letting enemies or exes see me if I’m not looking my best.

I’ll save you all the details but I wore pink (which he loves) and was giving alot of clevage (something he also loves) and I had on my best give-j-lo-a-run-for-her-money-jeans. (Seriously, my ass is devastating, lol.) I debated with myself about whether or not I looked like I was trying and if I should just put on some sweats. I had to make myself walk out the door just to get there on time.

I met him down in baggage claim. Our eyes caught each other simultaneously. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t speed up a little bit. I took a deep breath and hoped it wasn’t to obvious. He smiled. I smiled. It was just us in the world for a second.

It hit me that I haven’t laid eyes on him in like two years. They’ve been kind to him. He’s settled nicely into that grown man weight and he seems taller. He hugs me long and strong. He even smells familiar. We walk to the car and I don’t fail to notice he keeps falling behind me, probably to watch my ass as I walk as he always has.

I was worried, once we got in the close confines of my truck, that it would be awkward since we haven’t seen each other in so long. But before I could even give it too much thought, we were laughing and joking like we used to, except this time I was in the drivers seat. Maybe I yadda yadda yadda-ed too much. Did I mention I was kinda nervous?

We ate and went back to the house. He played with Honey and gave me some tips on how to train her (he works on a K9 unit and trains dogs everyday). For a second, watching them on the floor playing, I couldn’t help but picture life as it was for me and him way back when, how we thought it was gonna be forever. I know nothing has changed, but for a second I allowed myself to fantasize about what it would be like if this was our life; getting up and going to breakfast, sitting all curled up on the couch, playing with the dog, laughing, talking shit. I’d be lying if I said the thought didn’t make me smile.

I’d also be lying if watching him be all cute and fatherly with my dog didn’t make my mind wander elsewhere but hey, I’m a woman, the sex was good, and it’s been awhile, lol.

We talked about nothing, laughed at even less, and it just felt so damn comfortable. After he jokingly propositioned me to “shack up” being the hopeless romantic he is, we made a bet about which of us will get married first. I told him I’d give him a year before he called me saying he’d fallen in love with some Kansas cowgirl named Becky and I was gonna have to start looking for a revealing dress to wear to the wedding. If you think that was bad, his plans for my wedding included a bloody massacre of all my friends and family, lol.

“Well if you would just gimme everything I want you wouldn’t have to worry about coming and shooting up my wedding because it would be you,” I told him.
“I don’t think I make enough money to give you everything you want.”
“What? That’s not what I want. I thought you knew me better than that.”
“I do know you better than that La,” and there was something about the way he said it, about the way he says my name that gives me chills, that simultaneously made me happy and sad.

Oh, dammit just sigh.

I think there will always be love there between us, restrained by the knowledge that life just didn’t work out for us the way we wanted it to. And that’s ok.

For those couple hours, I just enjoyed being with someone who knew me so intimately, who got my jokes, who made me laugh. I think more than anything, I’m glad that I was wrong about us when we broke up. I’m glad that there has come a day when we can not just be cordial, but genuinely be friends.

One day I’ll even be happy for him when he gets married and owes me his entire paycheck for being the first one to bite the dust.

*ahem*

Aiight maybe not happy per se but…

Ok I’ll work on it.