I’ve always felt that resentment and mistrust were fairly related. More often than not, one is not present at the abscence of another.
More than resentment, I’ve always dealt with mistrust. I could, if I wasn’t feeling lazy, chronicle the issues stemming from my childhood that have caused me to be so distrustful of people, but I don’t wanna. What I will say, is that there are very few people in this life I trust explicitly. Because I’ve never been the type of person to do so.
And because even when I do think it’s ok to trust, someone comes along and proves me wrong.
The weekend was interesting. Talked to a couple Howard associates, heard some interesting info. From a couple unrelated sources, I got the exact same story.
Which leads me to believe it’s true.
So, apparently The Great Houdini was cheating. That’s interesting. But that isn’t what got me.
What hurt me like hell was apparently, a couple people I considered friends knew about this and never said a word. While they were giving me advice leaning towards being with this person, telling me how they’d “never seen me happier”, they knew he was slinging some reckless dick on the side. I trusted them. Listened to their advice. Talked to these people everyday about any and everything, including The Great Houdini. And they never. Said. A. Word.
It’s like being gut punched.
Resentment is like cancer. You find it one day, hidden inside you. You stumble upon it and it’s so unexpected that it takes the wind out of you. You can’t believe this could happen to you, cuz, hey, you’re a decent person. You don’t go around making orphans cry or kicking puppies. You start to research it, dig up all the information you can, trying to figure out why this is happening, how this is happening, how you can stop it. And then you realize that it’s been silently stalking behind the scenes for so long that it’s spread all over, its everywhere and it’s affecting every facet of your being. It’s eating at you and you’re angry and you’re sad and you’re disappointed and so wounded. It HURTS, this cancerous resentment, because you probably didn’t even know to be protecting yourself from it, because you never thought it would happen to you. But it does. You kinda shut down for awhile, because it can be life altering, this kinda betrayal that leads to this sickness, and it takes the fight out of you. You give up.
But if you’re strong, you know in the long run, you’re going to put your toes to the line and fight it out because THAT’S WHAT YOU DO.
I know the day will come for me when I feel like fighting. But right now, I’m going to be still and quiet. I’m gonna do some reevaluating, and I’m gonna see if I can heal me. That’s where my head is at right now.
I started over the weekend after I heard this stuff. I turned my phones off. I sat very still for a long time once I got home and made the world be quiet. In the days since, I haven’t talked to anyone on the phone. There have been no other voices to fill my head except my own. My communication is mostly restricted to being written, a few convos here and there with a few people. I’ve been reading. I’ve been writing. I’ve been meditating. I’ve been thinking. I finally got around to cracking open that book about Buddhism I bought many moons ago and never made time to read. I’ve been quiet. And I’ve been listening.
So this is going to go on for awhile, probably. No need to fear. I’ll still be blogging. And most of it probably won’t be serious or depressing. But I’m picking up the pieces of losing a best friend and a lover, and a couple other friends in the process. That’s alot of loss at once.
It’s like when you finally get that first test that comes back saying you’re cancer free. You’re happy, you feel somewhat lighter. You try to get back to some semblance of the life you lived before you got sick. But in the back of your mind, a little part of you is just waiting for it to come back and invade your insides all over again.
And you wonder if that will be the time that takes you out.