Ask Dr. Phil, Not Oprah

Why is it that women ask their female friends for advice about men?

And NOT their female friends who think like men, but their single, bitter ass, going through the same fucked up bullshit as you clueless friends.

I don’t get it.

Exhibit A…

I have a friend, let’s call her Delta, not because she rocks crimson and cream but because she is from said region of Mississippi. I tell you this, because maybe her being a little slow on the come up is where this all comes from.

Delta moves to Big City. Delta meets boy. Delta likes boy. Delta dates boy. Boy and Delta fall in love. Boy moves in. Boy cheats.
Delta loses her goddamn mind.

I am not one to judge. I’m more impulsive than a little bit, more irrational than slightly. So when Delta calls me and hurriedly details her latest run in with her ex, I’m all conspiratory giggles and, “Bitch you did NOT!”s. Until she says…
“Girl I thought he was gonna hit me.”

Pause.

I’ve met her ex. Violent he is not. He’s a pussycat, damn near a doormat with a sissy ass pink flower on it and a watering can. I’m confused.
“Whey would he hit you Delta.”
It’s her turn to pause.

After she studder starts though a jumble of words, she starts to tell me what she’s done. This girl has gone all out crazy ex-girlfriend; keyed car, smashed windshield, eggs on the paint, sugar in the gas tank. And that’s just what she did to his car. Lets not talk about how she went to his place over the weekend while he was outta town with the Sideline Ho, destroyed his clothes, wrote all over the walls, set fire to the carpet, let the dog out.

She’s talking and I’m sitting there jaw dropped. She pauses her confession long enough to ask me what I think.
“Bitch if it was me they’d STILL be looking for parts of your body.”

Real talk.

These kinds of things don’t even sound like her so I ask her where she got this idea. Come to find out, one of this off center chicks she’s been running with gave her all these ideas… and a ride to his apartment.

Err?

“How on EARTH did you think this was a good idea?!?!”

After some prodding, she tells me a little bit more about this girl. Recently single, cheated on, doormat to a man much older than her “wise” 19 years.

WHAT?!?! You’re taking advice from a bitter ass child?!?!

Oh sigh.

I’ve certainly entertained some felonous thoughts about exes. But I just can’t see me brick slinging in 4 inch heels, ya know?

I’ve never understood it. Whenever I needed male advice, I always went to my male friends. They’d always tell me straight shit, no bull precursor, and I didn’t have to worry about getting bad advice from bitches who are doing worse than me.

Ladies please stop asking your lonely, single, bitter, childish friends for advice. I guarantee you when your ex comes looking for you because you fucked up his car, that chick will be ghost and you’ll be an ICU patient.

And I’m scared of hospitals, so I can’t do shit for you.