Even the light from the computer is hurting my eyes.
Yes, ladies and gentleman, La had one of those nights. Craziness like the shit I experienced makes me glad I can blame my tom foolery on being 23.
The day started rather blah, and seeing as how I haven’t been sleeping or eating, I have been terribly irritable and rather feeble. Forcing myself to eat at one my favoritest Mexican spots in the city and walking around the Galleria with my mama was even a struggle but I made myself get it together because this is her last weekend to enjoy before she has her surgery. After picking up some jeans on sale at Express that had even the chick that was helping me in the dressing room eyeing my booty, Ghana Girl calls and tells me she wants to go to Drink Houston. I’m in a superbly shitty mood but I realize I have 2 choices: I can go home and be agitated and antsy and mad that I can’t fall asleep and drive the dog crazy because I won’t let her sleep.
Or I could squeeze my fabulous ass into these jeans I just bought, put on some heels and go sweat my hair out with my girls.
Oh, and get pretty drunk in the process.
I choose option 2, mostly because I figure the drinking will put me to sleep. So really, it’s all about the science.
I go home, slip into my jeans, (barely) wrangle the girls into a shirt, throw some makeup at my face and I’m back out the door to meet Ghana Girl and who will be known henceforth, now and forever more as The Wild One.
T.W.O. comes and picks us up and announces we will be making an unscheduled stop before heading to our final destination. Did I mention by this time it is getting late and in Houston, unlike most other major cities, most everybody closes their shit down PROMPTLY at 2am.
Oh no ma’am.
We get to the place and I realize almost immediately that I am not dressed for the occasion. Why? you may ask. Because I was not A) in my early forties and dressed in a too tight/too short/overly sequined gown and B) because I am almost certain that if I have to get into a fight with any of the hood ass people staring down Ghana Girl (who is “white” by black folks standards), given the flimsy nature of my top, I am sure to have a wardrobe malfunction.
T.W.O. finds her friends and introduces us all around and I try to pretend that there are not more than a few sisters up in there that are slowly getting agitated with the attention that G.G. is getting from the brothers in the room. (Did I also mention that not only is she “white” but the girl is gorgeous and has a serious ASS on her?)
We make our way to the bar. They don’t have my first option (SoCo and lime, but they do have Grand Marnier which will also do the trick) but I decide instead to get a Long Island. Someone grabs my attention so I turn around while the bartender is mixing it. When I turn back, I am being handed a VERY tall glass of something that looks completely black up top and pretty clear on bottom. I mix it together and take a sip.
I will be drunk off my ass VERY soon.
We never make it to Drink, but I don’t care as much because I made it to the bottom of the glass. We drop G.G. off because she has to wake up at 6:30. Once I get back to my car, I realize I really don’t wanna go home. So I call Mari. She’s with Ella and Butter downtown. I tell her to order me a drink and I’m on my way.
I find them all at a random bar I’ve never heard of where the interior is gorgeous and so are the people. Think very modern, high ceilings, exposed beams, all done in variations of black, white and gray with a little touch of chrome added in. The ladies are well into round number 4 and I am behind so they introduce me to the bartender, she gives me a flirty smile and her undivided attention while she mixes something from a couple bottles with no labels on them. She slides 2 shots in front of me.
So here’s where it gets a little fuzzy…
So in favor of not pretending I know exactly what all occurred for the rest of the evening and not divulging some more salacious things that I will not give details about over the Internet, I will just compile a very helpful list. Ladies and Gentleman…
La’s List of Things Not to Do When You go Out with the Wildest Chicks on the Planet
1. Do NOT go out with Wildest Chicks on the Planet when you have had a shitty, shitty week, because they WILL do any and everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) to make sure that you smile.
1a. If you DO go out with WCP, do NOT get drunk off your ass.
2. Do NOT do multiple shots of whatever the bartender puts in front of you just because “it is pretty”.
3. Do NOT challenge the cutie in the black button down that tells you that you have beautiful hair to a game of darts.
3a. If you DO challenge cutie, do NOT gamble for liquor because even slightly intoxicated (at this point) and in 4 inch pumps, you WILL win, and you WILL make him buy you something else random the flirty bartender has concocted.
4. When cutie in the black button down asks you for your name, just tell him. Do NOT come up with a flirty way of telling him which includes things like:
Cutie: What’s your name?
Me: Everybody calls me La.
Cutie: So I’m everybody?
Me: You are for right now.
Cutie: I can live with that. So that’s what the L on your necklace is for?
Me: Kinda. But it mostly distracts from the S on my chest.
Cutie: What’s that for?
Me: You’ll see.
4a. If you DO spend alot of your night flirting with cutie in the black button down after above exchange until his boys all but drag him out of the door, do NOT be even mildly impressed when he puts his name in your phone Soon to be Somebody. Do NOT smile at it. Not even a little bit.
5. Do NOT encourage any member of the WCP to give someone she doesn’t know a lap dance just because he has really nice arms. Because she WILL do it, and he and his DEVASTATINGLY attractive friends WILL join you for the rest of the evening. (This might be amended.)
6. Do NOT go in the bathroom halfway through the night and change tops with someone because you wanted to have your back out and she wanted to have her boobs out and the shirt that the other was wearing would accomplish that.
7. Do NOT be 5 ft 2 and catch the attention of the tallest and by far the largest of the devastatingly attractive men and try to match him shot for shot.
7a. If you do try to match him shot for shot, do a sissy ass shot like a lemon drop, and not shots of Patron.
7b. If you do have shots of Patron with Tall Man, try to turn your head when you lick the salt off your hand. He will be far too distracted by this action to pay attention and will drop his shot on his foot. This could also result in…
8. Do NOT convince everyone standing at the bar to do mass body shots.
9. Do NOT kiss Pretty Lesbian Bartender just because Mari dared you to no matter how not X rated the kiss may be and you cannot turn down a dare because your pride is more powerful than the SoCo and lime you have in your hand.
9a. If you do kiss PLB, do NOT have a friend like Mari who thinks it would be funny to slip PLB your phone number because she WILL call you in the morning and ask you if you want to go to breakfast.
10. Do NOT sit on the bar. This will make you the center of attention.
11. Do NOT talk to strangers. Because if you do, you will find yourself suddenly with 20 new friends who think you are “friggin’ awesome” and would like to buy you drinks to celebrate this fact with you.
11a. If you DO talk to strangers, do NOT offer love life advice because no matter what she says, the tiny blond in front of you is not ready to hear about how you know her boyfriend is cheating on her just from the story she just told you. She WILL cry and you WILL feel obligated to spend 30 minutes sitting on the floor in the bathroom talking to her while she cries her eyes out and her “best friend” makes out with an Abercrombie model at the bar.
12. Do NOT pass up the opportunity to chase your drinks with water. I didn’t do this (which is why I can live to tell about it), but Butter did and we’re pretty sure she might have died momentarily.
12a. If you do pass up said opportunity, do NOT pass out at the bar. Pass out in the car like soldiers do. (Good job, B.)
13. Do NOT drive. Instead, walk across the street to the all night spot, eat alot of food, drink alot of water and coffee and sober up before you drive because it IS a holiday weekend and not only are the cops all over the place but other idiots are not as responsible as you are about drunk driving and you need to be alert.
14. Do NOT, however, bring those 20 new friends to all night spot with you in addition to your group of 4 and the group of 5 devastatingly attractive men, because the old lady that is working there will SURELY shit herself.
15. If you decide to crash elsewhere for awhile, do NOT leave your phone unlocked and unattended. More on that later. Ugh.