Throwing up the Rock

“I mean, it sounds kinda silly, but there would be times when I could literally feel how empty my ring finger felt. And now,” she holds up the Tiffany’s sparkler on her left hand, “I never have to worry about it again!” She punctuates her sentence with the exclamation point of a girlish giggle. I throw back the last of my cran and goose.
“Yes,” I say motioning to the bartender for another, “that IS silly.”

And so it is another one bites the dust.

Now granted, this associate is slightly older than my other friends who are face planting over the broom (28) but I’m pretty sure that, while she may love new fiance, she’s head over heels for the lifestyle being his wife implies, Tiffany’s 3 carat solitaire and investment portfolio and all.

The bartender, aka my new best friend, puts down another glass in front of me. This time he’s given me the big girl glass and I am so deliriously grateful for it that if my lips weren’t grabbing desperately for the edge of the glass, I’d kiss him. (and partially because he resembles Common. Jesus.) I am almost to the halfway mark of my drink when I realize she hasn’t stopped talking. I tune back in for the rest of her June Cleaver monologue.

“… and we wanna start having kids right away.”
*vomit*

No seriously. A lil goose almost comes back out of my MAC Ruby Woo-ed lips.

“Like, immediately?” I ask.
“Oh yes. We’re both getting up there in age and we want a big family so we need to get started!” she chirps all nonchalantly like she’s talking about stripping and staining her hardwood floors.
Hmm… that’s… interesting,” I reply and try to catch Common the Bartender’s eye again. I’m still able to blink too fast for this convo.
“La seriously, all jokes aside, you never hear your clock just a tick-tick-ticking away?”

I look at my biological clock. The one over in the dusty corner that I threw against the wall a couple years ago when I realized getting married meant I couldn’t continue to rendezvous with cute New York niggas and leave before they wake up in the morning like the one I was laying up under at the time.

“Not… really,” I say as Common puts another big girl glass down in front of me and I notice through the squiggly liquid that he’s written his number on the napkin underneath. Nice.

“But really though, congratulations to you guys. I’m sure you’ll be very happy. You seem very in love,” with his bank account I add in my head, squeezing the lime and throwing the stirrer on the bar and out of my way.
“But don’t you want all those things?”
“Right at this moment? Sure. About as much as I want a pap smear. Or 12 hours of bad sex. Or to suddenly gain 75 pounds.”
“You’d make a great wife La. Some lucky guy will come along and change your mind and before you know it, we’ll be pregnant at the same time and crib shopping!” (Insert girlish giggle again.)

I take a big gulp of my drink, and swing to face her on my stool.

“You know,” I start, “the last time I had sex it was up against a wall in the kitchen. Or maybe it was on the couch. It coulda been in the bathtub. Either way, it wasn’t at a scheduled time locked behind the bedroom door. You can’t do that with kids. I can’t have little La junior running in the kitchen to get some cookies and asking, “Mama, why are you bent over the stove like that?” She chokes on one of the mint leaves in her drink.
“And further more,” I continue, “why is it that everyone tries to convince me that the things I want aren’t the things I want? Did I try to tell you that you don’t really NEED a horse drawn carriage at this spectacle of a wedding you’re planning even though I think it’s ridiculous? Did I say hey, maybe you should hold off having kids until you see if your marriage can even last the first 2 years? Have I told you that you’re crazy for not living together first? Or that I think you’re INSANE for not fucking the.shit. out of him every chance you get because not having sex until marriage is absolutely ABSURD to me? No. I haven’t shared any of those thoughts because they are your choices. If you wanna marry a fine as all hell wealthy man who you don’t know much about and could possibly be impotent or into S&M or whatever, then you can. I support that. Would you STOP trying to keep me from my dreams of being able to literally fuck all over every inch of my place, to travel whenever I want, spend way too much money on shoes, and be wildly successful and happy in my own right please?”

She’s positively open mouthed. I get the bartender’s attention and he comes over. He smells good enough to eat.
“She’s gonna need another. And what about a Cap and Coke, none of this punk ass mint julep shit.” I turn to her. “That is what you used to drink before you got all cute and rocked up right?” I say glancing at the mountain on her finger. She laughs at me and nods. I motion to Common and he wanders to the other end of the bar to make our next round. I watch his ass as he walks away. We’re silent for awhile. I’m not privy to her thoughts but I’m entertaining a rather nice mental ambling of making the bartender an offer he won’t refuse.

Ohmigod,” she says almost under her breath, that Atlanta accent she has been without up until this point on full display, “what if he CAN’T FUCK?”
“THAT’S what I’m sayin‘!!”
“What the hell am I gonna do?”
“Fuck him IMMEDIATELY. ASAP. Yesterday. Is he at home? Call him now.”
“You are such a mess.”
“Maybe, but I can guarantee you I won’t be having wack ass sex forever either.”
“You think it’s that important?”
“It’s that important to me. But I can’t answer that question for you. Is it to you? Personally, I couldn’t fathom being with someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with. I’d at least like to know I have the option of having sex everyday with my significant other even if I don’t exercise it. A girl needs her options you know.” We giggle mischievously as Common puts our drinks down in front of us.
“So?” I prompt her. She sits in thought for a moment silent.

Suddenly she whips out her Blackberry, calls her hubby to be. They exchange a few hushed words.

“I gotta go La.”

I smile at her haste in gathering her things. We hug and kiss and she all but flies out the door. I get the bartender’s attention.

That’s right ladies and gentleman, I’m saving one marriage at a time.

22 thoughts on “Throwing up the Rock

  1. You need a show, be it radio or TV. Square Business. I always thought abstaining while in a relationship was purely religious psychobabble and that no one should EVER not know what they’re getting with someone, in bed or in general. I’d be heated if I married a girl and she hit me with the “I keep my socks and bra on/don’t smack my ass/wait, my dubi/no I’m not sucking that THING” nonsense on our wedding night.

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  2. I think me and Chris are stuck on the same point… They haven’t had sex?! He’s probably thinking, the nicer the ring, the better the sex I’ll get from her. And we all saw what happened with Charlotte… And then she wants to have babies right away? I could see if she’s been in the relationship for some years or something, but its obvious they haven’t. Who can hold out for that long? Lord knows I can’t. Woooo, sexy bar-ar tenderrrr… Lol

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  3. “he made us drinks, some drinks, we drunk ’em, got drunk…”that sounds like some Hampton ish… marrying him b/c he was in jack&jill and sh…sex & the city episodes are life lessons we should heed!

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  4. Ok..ive mentioned my EXTREME lust for the lyricist that exudes sex appeal who goes by the name of Common *quick sexy visual of my dream man*..aaaand im back…lol..bruh mustve been fine ass hell..hol’ up..SHE HASNT HIT THAT?!?!? The things some people would do for money..lol..yea shes bugged and applause to you for voicing your true feelings *liquor will do that to ya* i cant stand a person that YOU can pin point a list of their wrong-doings telling YOU some bull they aint got no business tellin you.i totally agree with “testing the sex game” before jumpin the broom..YOU GOTTA MAKE ME HOLLA!!! *now back to my daydream of my fantasy man* *sigh* Common.

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  5. I’m torn.I used to think about marrying someone I love but have never made love to until my friend whose on that same shit as you said to me,“You talking about marriage…you want the whole cake, you ain’t even had cupcakes or even some crumbles.”That shit made me think, real hard, just as you did.And as Chris said you need a T.V. show, and I’ll add a book deal. Has Wise not hooked you yet?

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  6. Chris hahahaha @ “I’m not sucking that thing.” there are still women in the world who don’t give head? interesting.Joy! YOU?!? and u have to SEE her fiance. He looks a lil like Boris Kodjoe. he’s like 6 ft 5 or some ignorant shit. I PROMPTLY let her know that if I was marrying him, I’d be trying to climb him EVERY chance I got. Memph there really is NO other way, lolStace I REALLY wanted to throw her down in front of Charlotte’s wedding episode and make her take notesJam I think I deserved more than a little liquid fortification for this silliness, lolMs Lady Common literally makes my world make sense. He has my full attention anytime he’s near. And YES for the test drive! would you buy a car blind without driving it first? no. you’d slide into the passenger seat. see how well it handles the curves, ride that thang on out πŸ˜‰Cnel I agree with that. I just think its illogical. the people who tell you to not have sex before marriage are generally the people who think sex is just for procreation rather than a viable and effective means of communication that needs to be cultivated just like anything else. don’t even get me started on that shit. no Wise hasn’t hooked me yet. tell her to get on that shit, lolAww Jarrod. I’m plenty soft. why I gotta be a nigga though? lolJam why I gotta be hood? can’t it just be real talk? goodness! lol

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  7. “Some lucky guy will come along and change your mind and before you know it, we’ll be pregnant at the same time and crib shopping!”You remember on Kill Bill Vol. 1 when Vivica Fox kicked Uma Thurman in the chest and sent her flying over the glass table? That’s what you shoulda done RIGHT THEN! These bitches done lost they minds!!

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  8. <>“La seriously, all jokes aside, you never hear your clock just a tick-tick-ticking away?”<>She tried it. Luckily I’m a guy and will never have to deal with this situation. You’re a good woman for having not clocked her after finishing you drinks.I couldn’t love you or this blog more. And I’m not one to say things just to say them. So, don’t take that as me blowing smoke.

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  9. lmfao V! Why can I so see me doing that? She meant well. Her constitution is just all fucked up.Mr. Jones guys get ALL the breaks. BOO. lolAww I’m blushing. πŸ™‚ Thank you Rashan I didn’t even know people still thought that shit was a good idea! lol

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  10. Bless you for not chokin the SHIT outta her! I found myself saying a few, <>“oh no she didn’ts”<> while reading this exchange. I’m glad you set her straight, sternly yet still being polite. Bless you, indeed.I can’t stand engaged/married/parenting people who indirectly pity those who aren’t! Please! <>*woosah*<>

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  11. B why is it that the married/parenting/boo’ed up folks feel it neccessary to save our damned single souls? BOO!!!Ms. Behaving I’m looking into doing some marriage counseling… lol

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  12. I swear I always feel like Im reading a novel when it comes to your post stories πŸ™‚ Luvs itI’m glad she took your advice the right way and it didn’t turn into anything ugly. I see I’m not on the blog list anymore *heart breaks* 😦

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