Oh, but I am.
And here’s how you know.
Unless you are the girl who calls me her rib, you probably aren’t privy to my daily doses of mayhem and foolishness. So I present you with hard evidence that not only am I ridiculous, but I have ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of NOT being ridiculous given the everyday craziness that happens to me.
Exhibit A… the IM
A: you know how when you call (one of our favorite gay boys) he has mjb playing as like the music you hear before he answers?
La: no. I dont start listening til you say hello. But I trust you.
A: well anyway…can you have j lo’s “waiting for tonight” on there as a straight black male?
La: LMFAO!!!! uh how bout… NO!!!! its goddamn JLO!!!
La: he’s such a homo. big ol flamming homo. he’s a glorious fag* honey, lol
La: fierce chile *fingersnaps at my desk*
A: lol hated it!
La: lmfao! thats so hilarious. yeah honey he’s a big mo. he’s probably blowing some homothug in the bathroom at the gym as we speak that he calls his “workout partner”.
*I am more than well aware, being many years deep in the fag hag game, that this is a pretty offensive phrase but I have more than earned the right to use it at my leisure having tirelessly supported and loved and campaigned for my gay boyz, dragged my fabulous ass to gay clubs in every gay city and let them fawn over my fabulous rack, cheered on various drag events, attended a ball, held their hands when they broke up with their one true love (of that week), learned the lingo (that bitch’s shoes are vicious), helped them draw out ambiguously gay young boys and dated one. (another story for another day) Don’t be sending glaad over to my spot. Thank you. (Does anyone remember that Will and Grace episode where Grace gets accused of gay bashing and she has the whole speech prepared to give in her defense and even knows it forwards and backwards in Spanish? Thats SO me. lol)
Exhibit B… during girl talk
*La walks in and catches the tail end of the convo*
Gucci Girl: I cannot believe he asked me to do that!
La: Do what?
GG: he wanted me to give him head
GG: I don’t do that!
La: *blank stare*
GG: I am a lady. And I demand he treat me as such.
La: understood. Completely. *pause* so how are you dealing with the breakup?
La: Oh yall are still together?
La: Oh. We should prob save this convo for like next week then (turning) Hi. Can I have the Pineapple martini, but instead of vodka can you do apple gin if you have it? Oh and sugar on the pineapple slice. Thanks.
Exhibit C… on the phone
Him: I miss you. alot.
La: who is this again?
Him: you KNOW who I am.
La: oh hey. I thought you were the person that I should be having this convo with. you’re dismissed.
Him: oh it’s like that? you just dismiss what I have to say. not even bothering to listen when I’m trying to tell you some real shit.
La: *pause* I’m sorry WHO is this?
La: musta been a wrong number and shit *shrug, back to sending text messages*
and last but certainly not least…
Exhibit D… at the bar
(the lights come up on La and Girl at the bar, drinking some random potent concotion the bartender has made up per their specifications. enter I’m Feeling Myself Guy, trying to strike up conversation. they aren’t sure which one of them he’s trying to pick up, if either, or if he’s trying to recruit them to be part of his pyramid sche… err… company. the scene begins with Girl sitting on La’s lap to take a picture and avoid his continued assault on her personal space)
IFMG: I mean I’m into everything. I’m open. I think we as a people can be very narrow minded.
(La and Girl to each other telepathically: what in the fuck is this nigga talking about?!?!)
Girl: what’s open?
IFMG: I mean I just like what I like. I’m an open kinda guy. I’m into lots of things that some of our people say they’re not into. Like I know most guys hate it but I love (insert offensive term for oral sex here). I love everything about it (La and girl raise eyebrows)
Girl: What kinda guys do you know?
La: Yeah um… I’ve never had an issue with someone NOT wanting to.
IFMG: I just think that experimentation is important. Like, I’d definitely have a threesome. (giving La and girl The Look)
Girl: (seeing where this is going) So like if your girl wanted to have a threesome, you’d be cool with that?
IFMG: Oh yeah, definitely. I totally agree with experimentation
La: Even if it was another dude?
IFMG: Oh no. Definitely not another dude. I’m not into that gay shit
Girl: So you would deny your girl her fantasy cuz you’re not man enough to be in another room with another naked man?
IFMG: (faultering) I mean, I just don’t like men. I like women. Now if it was two women then yeah, I’m all for that.
La: That’s a shame. (setting him up to fuck around and fail) I think 2 guys together is (dropping my voice to the low raspy one I reserve for sex) kinda hot.
IFMG: I mean I don’t judge, but I prefer my women to be women you know? I’m not gay
(La and Girl stay silent, waiting expectantly)
IFMG: I mean, I’d never say never though…
Girl: (who is far more ridiculous than La) well what about a transvestite?
IFMG: well maybe I could get with that. In the spirit of experimentation. That might not be so bad. It still looks like a woman right? *laughing* Yeah that would be ok.
La and Girl drunkenly stumble outta bar, damn near doubled over in laughter. lights fade to black.