Dirty Little Secret

“La I swear to God you can’t tell anyone else.”
“Ok.”
“Like seriously. This is just between me and you.”
“OK!!! Who the fuck am I gonna tell anyway?”

He takes a deep breath and settles his eyes on mine. He looks positively shook.

“Really La. NOBODY.”

People like to talk to me for some reason. And not just my friends. I am the person that perfect strangers can somehow pinpoint in an airport and before either of us can flip open our magazines, they’ve spilled to me their whole life story.

“I’m only telling you this because I trust you,” he emphasizes to me, part spoken creed, part express warning.

I don’t mind it most of the time. It’s actually quite flattering. And Lord knows I have had some pretty good conversations with strangers. They always seem to be perfectly timed to have some sort of influence or message.

“Have I ever let you down?” I ask him, my tone a little colder cuz I KNOW he knows better. I know he knows how I am when I give my word about anything but especially to someone I love.
“Never.”
“Aiight then. Spill it.”

I am nothing if not loyal. Sometimes to a fault. But I’d rather be loyal to a fault, to be universally known as a woman of my word, to be there unendingly for those I love than to worry about the times loyalty faults.

“I can’t believe I did it. But I gotta tell someone.”
And so he does.

The thing about secrets is that they carry weight. Weight that once you know them, you are responsible for. You have to carry your end. It’s one thing with airport strangers. Their secrets are not so heavy. You don’t have to carry them in your day to day life.

It’s another thing when you are shouldering the secrets of those around you. When your loved ones seek you out and confide in you because they trust you. Because they love you. Because right now, in this moment, you are the only one it makes sense to share this information with.

Sometimes you’re uncomfortable carrying it. Sometimes you don’t like what you hear. Sometimes you don’t agree.

Sometimes, it even hurts you. Deeper than what you’re probably willing to admit to yourself.

But you don’t judge. Because that’s not what you do. Not when you love someone. Not when you know someone inside and out and you know the goodness in their heart. You pick up your end and you carry it. Because loving someone is about loving even their faults. Because love is and should be unconditional. Because being a sincere and total part of their life means shouldering even those things that, on your own, you would choose not to carry. It means indulging in, keeping their secrets.

It’s not that simple.
As secrets generally are not.

Secrets make you selfish, don’t they? Because suddenly everything is a conspiracy. You are so submerged in the intricacies of keeping your secrets that every detail must be under your control. There can be no surprises. This is important to you. This is your life. This is your secret to do with what you see fit.

So what if someone else is helping you shoulder the weight?

Do you regard them in any way? Or is it still about the secrets you keep? Mostly. But isn’t that human nature? To be egocentric? To be the center of your own world? That doesn’t make you a bad person.

Just a person.

I love that my friends find me trustworthy, deem me strong enough to carry their secrets.

I just hope like hell that they’re right.

16 thoughts on “Dirty Little Secret

  1. Dang, I never really thought about it like that, secrets carry weight, esp. when they explicitly have to stay secrets between friends about friends and so on. Interesting and valid points, Ms. La ๐Ÿ™‚

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  2. People don’t realize that knowing people’s secrets, being invited into their lives, sharing space and time involves intimacy. There is something liberating and burdensome about it at the same time, but that intimacy ideally helps you connect to people who make your life better.

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  3. I was reading this like is she gonna tell what the secret is? I got a couple of people that tell me secrets. I usually don’t reciprocate. I’ll tell my blog before I tell anybody else.

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  4. secrets secrets are no fun secrets secrets hurt.some.one. wait i’m not in grade school anymore. you know i frown on airport interactions. ipod on, unless i’m on the phone, magazine out at all times. people like to tell me secrets because i can be a good listener when i feel like it. yes it can be tiring.

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  5. I swear you’re my mirror image with a vagina. People love to confide in me, too. And I’m usually really good about holding on to them and I’m always great about not judging them for it. I’m very critical of John Q. Public, but it takes a lot for me to judge someone I know personally and love dearly.I was in the airport on Monday and this chick starts burning my damn ear off with the story about her husband and how he wants to get divorced, but she wants to work through it and how she doesn’t understand men and how she just wants to be loved and how confused she is in life. Blah, blah, blah. She talked to me from the security line, on the Tram (I was in ATL) and to the gate. Finally I had enough and pretended I was getting a phone call. I’m sure she knew I was faking it. I was fairly obvious.

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  6. Divine they really do. And no one ever really thinks about that in the onset… even if you do share them with someone, they’re still heavy.Diamonds thanks ๐Ÿ™‚Cnel so what if the secrets or rather the details therein, are the things keeping you from truly being intimate?Rashan you the ONLY one who was waiting for me to spill it, lol. Yeah I tell all my business on my blog WAY more than I do in real life. And even that aint alot.Jam hahaha that never seems to work for me. People just seem to keep trying to make contact until any brushing off I would do would just be way too rude for even me to inflict on someone. But it IS damn tiring.b. good hahaha you’re a mess. rashan disregard my previous message, lolLMFAO!!!!! “my mirror image with a vagina” aww you make me smile :)Sometimes I love airport randomness, but alot of the time, I just don’t feel like it. I’m slightly afraid to fly so alot of times I need those quiet moment just to get ny life together so I dont have a damn panic attack. But people just DON’T get it, lol. I think Atlanta is one of the worst airports for that because its insanely busy, there’s way too much stimuli, and its the south so people are EXTRA friendly and talkative. I try to walk thru Hartsfield with the mean mug everytime I go home, lol

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  7. Its weird what people will tell you while traveling. I have had a woman tell me she judge men by their pets. She will not date a man who owns a cat. People will tell a total starnger anything. I wonder why??

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  8. I pretty much can keep a secret, but no one ever tells me anything Earth shattering. I guess my journalistic background doesn’t do me any favors in that department, LOL…but yeah, it is nice to have a friend that you could pretty much admit anything to and they won’t put you on front street about it.

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  9. In response to your question.When candor keeps you from being intimate, meaning the deets (details) have you still unable to connect, you’re already opposed to being truly intimate. W/E the issue there’s fundamental flaws with the plantonic non-intimate relationships so unless the relationship evolves intimacy is a non-issue, it simply won’t come to pass.

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  10. epsi hahahaha thats so random. I think my fav airport story was the girl who was having an affair with her married boss… but on the way to meet the wife and help her on vacation with the kids. Such a messAww Uncle Slishy… HAHAHAHAHAHA that’s what you get for being nosy. Get outta here with that! I’m not the kinda girl to give it up that easy.hahaha Eb. Now how will you ever trust me with YOUR secrets if I go spreading people’s business about the internet. Go on… I’m listening…Chris yeah, I don’t trust you journalists. It’s in your nature to be nosy, whether the person is trying to give up the info or not. I’ve got my eye on you sir…Ooh FANTASTIC answer Cnel!Wife! You’re back! Omg I AM the best at it, arent I? lol I’m getting better though

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