… ON. SIGHT.
1. Looking at me.
Like that. Quit it. May I help you? Are you infatuated by my shiny ponytail? Is it something about my earrings that move you? You’ve never seen a 23 year old with braces before? WHAT?!?!?! Get OUT of my goddamn mouth. Thanks.
2. Calling me.
79,816 times. In a row. I didn’t pick up on time #1 and clearly everyone knows that most of the time my phone is either in my palm or in my line of eyesight. You have been screened. You left me a message. You sent me a text. You may stop now. Any further communication will cause me to be that much more hell bent on not talking to you. Stop with the jealous boyfriend type shenanigans.
3. My Dougie
WTF?!?!?! How on EARTH did you get a goddamn recording contract? I heard this song exactly 987,164 times this weekend. On the radio, in the club, on the street. It’s the worst. AND you have the nerve to have a dance that goes with it? Hoe sit down. And you. You there. Yes you sir with the long tshirt whose length is rivaled only by my high school prom dress. You look like a homo doing that shit. Exit stage left.
4. Telling me I doesn’t need to lose weight.
Are you HIGH?!?! I know, I know, you’re not supposed to agree with a friend when she says she needs to lose weight. Thanks for being a good friend and blah, blah, blah. Yes, I know I am not grossly obese or ridiculously outta shape. But don’t lie to me. And don’t provoke me. And to that end…
5. Saying stupid shit.
I’m on a diet because I have 7 weeks until I am in Miami and I refuse to go without looking far more than decent in whatever non-clothing I decide to wear. I’m hungry. I’m irritable. And you’re liable to get your throat snapped if you say something like, “But maybe she really was just a friend of his that crashed at his place last night.” Right. And I have a Tony for my rousing portrayal of Tracy Turnbladt in Hairspray. (I’m really not that big.) And to THAT end…
6. Telling me what ridiculous, greasy awesomeness you’re having for dinner.
Up to and especially including french fries, which I have given up. **blank stare** Fuck you.
7. Being a cop.*
Do you know I got a speeding ticket? And for once in my existence I wasn’t even speeding? And the cop was such a DICK about it too. I thought about just paying the fine and going on with my life, but the more I started to look at the ways that not only was I NOT guilty but it was quite OBVIOUS there’s no way he could have even clocked me on the radar, I decided to contest it. If for no other reason than I refuse to give $200 to fund your bullshit job you piece of shit traffic cop.
*if you are a cop, please excuse this. I don’t hate all cops. Well that’s not true. But I don’t hate you. Just what you do. And everything you stand for. You see? That’s different.
8. Jumping in my conversation.
If I wanted to address you, I would do so. Do you see how I’m not making eye contact with you, how I have created a hard line with my body to purposely send the signal that you are excluded from this conversation? And yet you come and stand over me anyway and join in? Or better yet, catch an insignificant snippet of the convo and run with it, all in the wrong direction? A pox on both your houses.
9. Asking me for a favor.
When I haven’t spoken to you in months. This is my life people. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
10. Having to relate to every story.
More often than not with bullshit. You know how people Oprah-ize your shit? You ever notice that for every story someone goes on Oprah and tells, she has a life story paralleling it? Just sit down and listen. Shit. I didn’t ask you for your autobiography. We’re talking about me. Hush.
11. Text message forwards.
Are you fucking kidding me? It’s not bad enough that I haven’t actually spoken to you in any shape form or fashion since Jesus discovered flip flops and yet you wanna send me random texts? FORWARDS nonetheless? Didn’t I avoid this by not checking my email? Sonofabitch!!! And speaking of communication…
12. Calling me while I’m having sex.
This is the buddy to #2. But if you keep calling me, and I’m having sex, chances are, eventually I’m gonna pick up the phone since you are hell bent on getting in on the show. After that point I am no longer responsible for anything you hear regarding me getting it in.
13. Invading my personal space.
Excuse me, kind Texas sir. I know that you have only a passing intimacy with English as your first language is whatthefuckdidhejustsayhoustonian but didn’t I just tell you that I am not single nor looking? And yet and still, you are all up in my face, breathing your silver teeth that you are trying to pass off as platinum breath on me and asking if I’m allowed to have friends. **looking down at my notatall small rack, behind me at the curve of my ass** Yeah. Friends. I look like I have a sparkling wit, yes? No Fido. I already have Honey. I don’t need another. Oh, and now your hand is on the small of my back? Real talk? Forgive me for stabbing my 4 inch heel into the top of your foot. I thought the elephants were stampeding and I needed to make sure I could stay upright. Gimme 50.
14. Talking to me about the weather.
Yeah, I know. It’s raining. Oh look now it’s sunny! Oh and now it’s gray. Weather in Houston is temperamental! What a revelation! Get outta my damn face.
15. Asking me repeatedly for advice.
When I’ve already told you that I am probably not gonna be too much help in said arena. You want advice about shoes? Electronics? Cars? Movies? Sex? I’m in. Notsomuch with marriage advice though, other than telling you shoulda never married the pervert in the first place. And dammit now you’re mad.
16. Trying to charge me $14,982 for a plane ticket.
To downtown Houston. With a straight face. Are you kidding me Delta? You want how much for a 2 hour flight? Wtf?!?!? Am I gonna get some kinda special in flight entertainment in this hoe? For that much someone better be available to blow me at my leisure in the bathroom. Fuck outta here.
WHAT?!?!??! Enunciate nigga. Muttering to yourself like you have another personality who is constantly telling you to kick puppies into traffic is not swag friendly. Nor does it make me particularly inclined to fulfill your request to let you “sop me up wit a biscuit.” And furthermore, why are you so wack?
18. Bad weave.
You mean to tell me that you look like you and Britney Spears had a sleepover and did each other’s hair and you have the nerve to tell me, “You know you’d look really pretty if you wore your hair differently.” Who bitch? And then you have the nerve to slip me your card in case I want to utilize your services? Your hair is literally growling at me from on top of your neck and you want to get hold of my natural and beautiful hair? Good on that.
19. Being negative.
And not how this post is rude and offensive and negative in a totally delightful fun kinda way but like that “oh that won’t work” before you even try kinda way. Just try. DO something. Aren’t you tired of talking about how much your life sucks? Cuz Lord knows I am tired of hearing about it and if you don’t get off your lazy ass and start making some plans to do something other than run up my goddamn daytime minutes bitching about what you don’t have and can’t have and won’t do I swear ‘fore God it’ll be the last thing you do in this here life. Tabernacle in the church.
Can you tell that I’m kinda having a bad day? 😦
And last but not least…
20. When people tell me to “feel better”.
Or “keep your head up.” Or “it all happens for a reason.” Or “focus on the positive.” **blank stare* Fall back. Today sucks. I’ll be better tomorrow (hopefully). But I swear ‘fore God if one of you leaves one of those bullshit trite ass cliches in comments, only the fishes will find your body.
So tell me, what is something that is likely to make you fuck someone up today?