Is what I’m pretty sure was the first sentence I uttered aloud this morning. It was swiftly followed by…
Coworker 1: Aww did you see Coworker 2’s engagement ring?
Me: I saw she needed a manicure.
Well, she did.
So here’s a list of things I hate today… in no particular order.
1. The Mexican that was sitting on the curb, shirtless, talking on the phone and clipping his goddamn toenails… when I pulled out of my garage at 8:30am this morning. I fantasized more than briefly about backing over him but I think blood will mess up my paint, right?
2. People who ask me to repeat myself. This is not just solely for people who can’t hear. It is also for people who ask me the same thing, more than likely the same exact way, over and over to see if my answer changes. I gave you my answer the first time! If I change my mind I am surely capable of letting you know.
3. Scales. All scales.
3b. and also, the bitch at The Company who lost weight by… “drinking more water”. I may or may not be plotting to fuck her up in the parking lot.
4. Sallie Mae. Nuff said.
5. Strangers who call me looking for someone else and then wanna strike up a conversation. No sir I do not know LaQuinta. No sir this is not that number. Yes I am as pretty as my voice sounds. I am also a 6 foot tall, 300 pound linebacker of a superdyke. Goodbye.
6. People who refuse to text me. I DON’T LIKE TALKING ON THE PHONE!!! WHO DOESN’T KNOW THAT BY NOW?!?!??! I’m not gonna pick up when you call, and if you do I will not be contributing to the convo. YOU are the reason our relationship has stalled. Communicate with me how I see fit. You ain’t special nigga.
7. Anyone on earth who owns a Mini Cooper. Because I cannot have one. So I am hating on you. Especially because I think you are all joining together to drive past me and make me cry.
8. Honey. Because if she wakes up at 6:30am one more morning whining and throwing toys on my head for me to play with her, she will surely be banished to the backyard forevermore.
9. Having to pretend that I am a nice person. I am at this funny place in my life where I am wholly disgusted with my propensity for responsibility and decorum. I would like to erase that. Therefore, I have been shopping (after I pay my bills. Some things just don’t change) because it is 3,729 degrees Celsius and I don’t own one pair of shorts. And I am placing a moratorium on plans. I don’t wanna make them. Ever or any more. And even more importantly, I am tired of tempering what I have to say because it’s not “nice”. Strap on a pair you pussy.
10. Politics. While my staunch support for President Obama has not changed, I am quite tired of all the political posturing. Not everything is a racist or ageist or elitest comment. Sometimes people change their minds, especially after they are councilled and guided by the people around them. Maybe if the dumbass that was holding office now allowed himself to be councilled and could change his mind, he woulda brought our troops home when he found out that he sent them overseas based on “erroneous reports”.
11. Strippers. But only cuz they make more money than me.
12. People who don’t support gay marriage. Everyone, regardless of sexual orientation should have the right to be miserably shackled to another human being in a sham of a union built on the innate desire to fund the billion dollar wedding industry. It is the right of every person all over the world to be put in the position where they have to decide if they wanna go broke filing for divorce and fighting for assets just to then ever be branded a “divorcee”. Or if they should just kill the bastard and run with the insurance money.
13. People who ask me if I am from Bankhead when I tell them I’m from Georgia. Yes, I know, Becky from Accounting, your favorite rapper is T.I. even despite all his legal woes. And I know that you have all his albums and you’ve seen Atl 37 times so you think you are an expert on all things Bankhead related. But there are some other cities in Georgia you dizzy bitch.
14. Being hit on by unattractive lesbians. I feel the same way about it as I feel about being hit on by unattractive men; I don’t know whether to applaud you for trying to trade up or to feel bad about my self because you felt like you could pull me. This situation is doubly compounded by issues like Pride Weekend in Houston, where there was a whole gang of you dusty hoes and the lezzies make no qualms about beating your ass as though they were a dude… I mean you were a dude. Or whatever it is they like these days.
15. Not being able to talk to an actual person when I call a business. Most of the time I don’t wanna talk to people. But sometimes I need to. I hate not being able to key ahead to get to an actual person because you are too fuckin cheap to hire real people or too fuckin lazy to answer the phone. BOO.
16. The fact that McDonald’s doesn’t serve liquor. I don’t think I’m the only person who is in need of a Smirnoff shortie to go with my emotionally craved fries.
17. The asshole who hit my car and kept going. Leaving me with what will likely be a $500 deductible to fix the car I was seriously thinking about trading in. And since I’m not a stripper, I can’t afford that.
18. Being an infant. Not like a for real for real infant. But being a grown ass man displaying childish ass tendancies. A grown ass anything really, but def a grown ass man. Yo I heard you was all of 2 steps outta the grave homie. I only wanted to know that you were doing ok. I am not interested in no rekindling of no kind. Unless you hadn’t heard, I’m WIFED. No need to play on the phone you hoe ass nigga.
19. Having this conversation… ever.
Me: Well if he’s not willing to give you what you want, why are you with him.
She: Because I keep hoping he will change.
Me: But he hasn’t changed in (insert long ass time here). What makes you think he’s going to?
She: But we’ve just been together so long…
Me: And he’s still the same nigga he was (insert long ass time here) ago.
She: Yeah but…
Me: No but. The only real question is; ‘is this situation serving you?’
She: No.
Me: Then…
She: But I love him.
Jesus.
And last and certainly not least…
20. The fact that I am so damn irritable and thrown off by today that I can’t even come up with a 20th thing. This is that bullshit.
I’m outta town for the weekend. Be safe! I’ll be too drunk to read your blogs but leave me something good for Tuesday ok?
Liquor, Loans & Love 
“a 6 foot tall, 300 pound linebacker of a superdyke”
Really?
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Big fan of your blog.Just wanted to say that you are a brilliant writer.
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You. Are. Too. Much!!!I don’t even think I have that many things I hate……that’s a lie, I’m just to lazy to list them.
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fuck Sallie Mae…and if they send one more message to my BlackBerry!!!!! Damn them!Toe nails, really? A Mexican? Did he have a Corona? Is this repeating yourself LOL!I definitely need a Large Henny with Cranberry with my Dollar Menu Chicken Nuggets!
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cutting his toenails on the curb?i can’t even comment on anything else. my screw face will not allow me see the keyboard past this sentence.
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How delicious was this!!???!!!Dayum I think I laffed out loud for like five mins.*tears* @ u dizzy bitch, and strap on a pair you pussy! Classic!Thanks for this!
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#19…LORD…#19I finally had to tell my girl don’t email, call, text, NOTHING, with some more of his bullshit. If you are staying with him you’re just as dumb as his dumb ass.I think she’s mad at me.
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P.S: I’m only nice to my dog and my Best friend
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*dead* Dead* DeadddDD@“Communicate with me how I see fit. You ain’t special nigga”Amen!Dizzy Bitch and Dusty Hoe will commence heavy rotation in my vocabulary!*sigh* that dumbshit talk sounds like something I’ve been listening to with my own sorry friend
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I’m really hating Sally, too. I think we all are. I didn’t deal too well with her, so she referred me to her friend who isn’t nearly as nice.I’m tired of pretending to be nice, too. That’s why I just don’t do it.It’s funny how every young person wants to have a political opinion all of a sudden. Bitch, I spent 4 years and $96K studying this shit and yo ass wants to go back and forth with me??? I don’t think so, hoe. Bankhead is a mess. I went there just for shits and giggles when I was last in Atlanta. A mess. People who think you’d be from there are even messier.I literally damn near threw my BlackBerry when trying to contact my bank last week. I was so angry in this little cube of mine. Of course my co-workers think I’m angry black man for growling and screaming in frustration. The real gotch, gotcha is that I am.Enjoy your time off, hon.
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I couldn’t even make it past the first comment without saying something. It’s comments like that which make you me with a vagina. And I love you for that<>**goes back in**<>
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Me and Sallie is tight at the moment…knock on wood.LMAO @ engagement ring conversation!*side eye’g* chick who lost wait by “drinking more water”…Heffa if you don’t shut up! So with you on texting vs. talking.Blood washes off, but it leaves DNA traces behind that you can’t see. Sooooooooo you have to throw bleach on it too…to get rid of the traces. source: CSI lol
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Ammendment to #6: people who call when you text them. Also, people who don’t confirm that they got your text when you say something that warrants a response.
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Umm….1. The Mexican? Dead that motherfucker.2. MY PERSONAL FAVORITE. I cannot STAND for people to make me repeat my damn self!3 and 3b. They are the tools of Satan.4. I’m pretty sure they have a warrant out for my arrest secondary to the last conversation I had with one of their representatives.6. We keep thinking we can change you!! But I am so in line with the texting… you have officially forced me to build up my thumb muscles!8. Stone? Is that youuuuuu??9. WE ARE NOT NICE PEOPLE! Stop acting surprised when you continue to be confronted with that fact time and goddam time again.11. Teuw, teuw. Hate hate hate hate.14. Dusty hoes and lezzies? J’adore.19. Just checking, I’m saying.20. See ya soon!!!!!!!
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damn damn damn @ salliemae toohave a fun and drunken weekend missy like I know you will
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7. I would be terrified to buy a car this small. 8.Your dog throws toys at you?! LMAO12. I don’t know how many times I’ve said the same thing.
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oh and i’m pretty sure blood washes off but you have to do it quickly. which actually is a good thing since you’ll need to get rid of the evidence.
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i think all places should serve liquor. i’m just sayin. idk how hard it is to get a liquor license in pittsburgh but the amt of BYOB places is MIND-BLOWING!! and they kill me w/the corking fees. really? so i have to bring MY OWN LIQUOR to your establishment (b/c you’re too lazy or cheap? which one) and you’re making ME pay YOU so I can open it. I CAN DO ALL THIS AT HOME. wack.honestly i’m over having that convo. i’ve been clear abt your foolishness sticking w/that man/woman who means you no good, let’s talk about something, ANYTHING else. shut your hole. i read that relationships where the wife is more attractive work better b/c it makes the dude work harder to be w/her and women like the support. that’s not to say you should date senor brickface. clean that mexican up and give him a frying pan… wait. lol.
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i hate repeating myself too! One time I tried having a conversation with my roommate and she was actin retarded, wanting me to repeat what i said. I vowed not to carry any convo with her anymore lol
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You always goin some damn where! I’m hating! Kesi makes me repeat myself even though I JUST said it. Its barely out of my mouth so I know he’s not listening. Yo. I need you to move if ya boy was cutting his toe nails in the street. It aint right.
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3b. Did she drink parasitic water? That hoe is lying. She washing some dangerous diet pill down with water.
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I agree with Rashan. Can I get a Happy Meal with a medium cranberry and vodka? lol That would be hilarious!!Toe nail clipping outside?? Thats trifling. Run his ass over.
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What’d you say? Can you repeat that please? LOL @ public toenail clipping. That’s hot for the 08.I don’t do the tempering thing.. If you sensitive you may not wanna hang with me.Conversation 19 sucks. I had that with a friend a coupla weeks ago. I’m pretty sure she is still mad at me for my honesty. Liquor at McDonalds would be dope!
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