About the 3 or 4 years or so, my life long knack of self dependancy began to become a real problem in my relationships. My friends felt cut off. My significant others felt uneeded. I was generally suffering from the weight. It seemed, at the time, that this life long skill of keeping to myself, of handling my problems on my own without asking for help or even admitting that there was a problem, wasn’t serving me. And I am all about doing away with those things that are not serving you.
So following it being a mild problem with Almost Fiance and then a pretty fantastically large issue with The Ex, I decided to try and do something about it. I apologized to my friends who I’d only shared part of myself with. I approached my current relationship trying to be as open to help as I know how. I made an honest effort to fully disclose the issues that I deal with, how they’re affecting me, and to ask for help. I am well versed in my flaws and quite capable of expounding on them; I’ve tried to listen when people reach out to help me fix things I need some objective opinions about. Moreso than anything, I have tried in whatever way I know how to reverse the distance that has been created in many of my friendships by being secretive and allowing the people that love me to see my flaws and help me just as I help them.
Oh, I’m pretty sure I am done with that shit though.
Maybe it isn’t the best way, but it is my way. And I have to admit that I certainly feel like I am getting less of what I need from friends and family and loved ones now that I am trying to be all forthcoming and bullshit than when I was just handling shit on my own. And at least then shit would get handled. And if I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it or if I didn’t have anyone to lean on, it was my own choice, not because I reached out to someone and essentially got the blank face.
I used to be tired of everyone assuming I know how to handle things on my own. Then I realized, they assumed so because that was the way I portrayed it to be. So then I tried to show myself fully for all my flaws and faults, and ask for advice and lean on the people who say they are there for me.
And I got nothing.
So… I’m out. At the very least I know the situation is of my own making and not put of sheer neglect.
That is all.