Lesson Learned

From the first day I saw you, you felt like home to me. I see the way you look at me, straight through my skin, and I feel it. I know that this is real.

It’s like a song that I forgot a long time ago. One who’s melody is familiar but I can only remember parts of it. It’s running loops on my mental stereo system.

Do you think we could get this right in our next life?

If lies were rape, I would be more violated than I choose to mention. If deception and dishonesty were outlawed I’d have enough to put you to death. If treading in vague were water, all the non-details I have swallowed would make me choke.

There are a million questions that I’ll never ask. This too is an unspoken boundary of this semi successful threesome of ours: don’t ask and I won’t tell you what you really might not wanna know anyway. Aren’t these kind of emotional threesomes far more treacherous?

It’s when you realize the depth, the width, the length of the deception, the totality of it all, that you realize just how wrong, how unhealthy, how toxic it all was.

I love you and I know you love me. You don’t have to say anything.

I wanna vomit but I don’t want to waste the energy. Carrying this new knowledge, this weight of everything I didn’t know is like fighting quicksand. I’m drowning in it. Just like I did in you, once.

I should have known better.

It’s amazing how, if we close our eyes and wade out into the calm waters of the ocean, we are under water before we ever knew the bottom was too deep to tread.

I know, intellectually, that even I, as mistrustful as I am, could not have even fathomed this kind of sociopathic lying in the onset. There’s no way I could have even dreamed the lengths that you would go to design your life as you wanted, to depict yourself as whoever and however you felt you needed to manipulate me.

I never would have imagined that all the things I didn’t know added up to this.

Don’t be scared.

I have travelled so far from where I was. I have evolved so past who we were that I barely recognize me. But still I can’t help but feel some kind of enormous pity for a man so worthless, so small, so nothing that he had to lie about his entire existence. I won’t even bother being mad.

Unless of course it’s at myself.

I will sweep this all up, gather it like dust and pack it in boxes, store it in a basement in my mind somewhere deep and dark to be eventually ruined by time and mold until it disintegrates and becomes part of the foundation. Maybe I’ll come across a surviving scrap one day, after trodden underfoot for so long, and look at it fondly, allow a melancholy smile to touch my lips at the memory. But today is not that day.

I should have known better.

And now I do.

10 thoughts on “Lesson Learned

  1. I won’t even tell you who this reminds me of. Just know that there is a point where you’re used to the fact that your questions, mainly “why?” won’t be answered. You’ll be so beyond the moment that it will only barely bother you.

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  2. girl, its amazing the lengths people go thru to get you into their lives, even if its only to lie and hurt you. there are some sick people out there. their mids are so warped that all you can do is wonder, “what happened to you when you were younger?? who DID this to you!?”i know I still wonder about CMF (charming futhermucker) from time to time…

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  3. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It happens to everybody at some point or another. It’s like that old ass D-Wade commercial, fall seven times, get up eight. You’re made of some real strong stuff and in time you’ll heal. Stay up.

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  4. You bring out the memories and the thoughts that I have already swept up, and buried in the basement of my mind, for to keep paging through the damage does nothing put create more unnecessary damage.For the most part the wtf chapter in my book has been removed by the editor (me), with only the happy ending that hasn’t been written yet.But I know the ending will be my beginning, and the best chapter of our lives, what happened was so wrong that I can’t even acknowedge it’s existance in my life as we move forward.God Bless You!I Love You!SF(To my war hero, we made it together, for without each other I think we both would have parished.)

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  5. “It’s when you realize the depth, the width, the length of the deception, the totality of it all, that you realize just how wrong, how unhealthy, how toxic it all was.”Exactly. This might actually be THE worst feeling in the world. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. Or not, since I may in fact have to deal with them and stop avoiding them!Magnolia’s right, deception is far more common than we want to believe.powerful stuff….

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