I Don’t Wanna Grow up, I’ma Toys R Us Kid…

By virtue of being the oldest, I naturally believe that I am the smartest, the wisest when it comes to all matters trivial and beyond.

But I’ll be damned if my little brother isn’t trying to prove me wrong.

Last night as I was pretending that I didn’t have insomnia, my little brother texted me to tell me he was having yet another major surgery this week (see how I’m glossing right over that? See the glossing? **covering my ears** la la la la la la la la la la la laaaaaaaaaa) and we started texting back and forth for the better part of three hours or so. It was probably the best conversation I have had in a very long time.

Somewhere around around three, I texted Joy…

Um… when did this child get to be so SMART?!?!?

It was quite a beautiful thing to recognize that my brother is no longer the impressionable kid who may or may not have let me put him in the dryer just to “see what it was like”. Sure, I hope against all hope that he still thinks I am the coolest thing since Scooby Doo in technicolor, but I realize that he is his own person, with his own definitive ideas.

He’s like, almost a grown up.

So after I have a slight anxiety attack, and then sob into my pillow that is already damp from the tears I’d cried earlier, I decided to indulge him. I tried to measure my words so that I could give him advice or spur him to say something without him feeling like I was judging or being overbearing. We talked about everything from video games to college to religion. At one point, after he’d made a particularly vague point about God, I asked him to clarify his position and prayed the entire time I was waiting on his next message, please God don’t let my little brother be some kinda Bible thumping Jesus freak he sent me this:

I don’t really believe there is a god as in only one superior being watching
over us and having all the power in the universe… I’m more on the positive and
negative energy kind of thinking, as in the way we use those energies affect our
lives… to me there is something like God but it isn’t necessarily a being; its
the universe and the way the energy within makes things happen.

I’m sorry… WHAT SIR?!??!?! Did I mention my brother is 19 years old?!?! Granted, I don’t necessarily share his view, but I WISH I could have articulated my religious beliefs that well at his age. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he went on to talk about religious doctrine (specifically Christianity) as it relates to slavery, stem cell research, abortion, separation of church and state, slavery, civil rights, The Crusades, terrorism, segregation, the historical accuracy of the book of Revelations, and masturbation.

Oh my God. My little brother said masturbation.

I cannot.

Even more interestingly enough, we discovered that we both have very different ideas of what it was like for us growing up together, but separate. As we talked, it was nice to be able to fill in the blanks for him, to be able to gently correct some of the inaccuracies he’d been told. It was nice to be able to talk about what it was like for me growing up, and have the person responding be someone who was a part of that living history. I recognize that he is at that age now where he will either find out or need to be told some of the things that were kept from him because he was a child. But I enjoyed just getting inside his head a little, I appreciated the honesty. Who knew we both thought that we both thought the other was better liked?


I am incredibly in awe of how smart he is, how funny and opinionated, and sure of himself he is at 19. Hell, at 19 I was a drunken, reeling, emotional mess, despite my other positive qualities. Who the hell raised this kid? lol

As I sit at my desk at work, surrounded by pictures of him from shortly after he was born, all the way up to high school, I can’t help but smile at this new picture I have of him as it exists; an incredibly intelligent, astute and handsome young man who is rapidly outgrowing the childhood that I treasure. Sure, it’s bittersweet, but it’s kind of amazing to witness as well.

11 thoughts on “I Don’t Wanna Grow up, I’ma Toys R Us Kid…

  1. Rashan stole my response! At nineteen, I had just moved out, so I REALLY thought I was grown…of course I didn’t know shyt! lolI think it’s cool that you two (even though you grew up apart), you still have this bond. I don’t think I’ve EVER texted for three hours or even sat on the phone with any of my siblings and we NEVER get so deep in our conversations.


  2. @mia. It was quite remarkable how different our recollection of the same time periods and events were. I never really gave it much thought, I think I always assumed that because we are so close that our point of view was the same. He obviously had something else for me tho, lol@A.J., as we were talking, I found myself wanting to tell him so much, and correct so much of his thinking and urge him to do so much… but I bit my tongue. I had to go through it and he does too. I felt like it wouldn’t have been right of me to somehow try to circumvent his rites of passage… I sure as hell wanted to tho, lol@Muze, I should have considered, given how intelligent he has always been, just how insightful he would grow up to be. But I still see him running around the house in pajamas with footies… so maybe notsomuch, lol@68, NOW IT IS!!!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!? GET OUTTA HERE!!! Ugh!!! My mind’s eye!@Rashan, yeah but I also think that he should still be climbind chairs to sneak oreos out of their hiding place in the highest cabninet in our kitchen. It’s crazy thinking this kid was just a kid like, yesterday. But didn’t you think you knew EVERYTHING at 19? lol I was pretty smart… but GOD I was an absolute moron, lol@Chris, so originally I read that as “the masturbation process is a beautiful thing indeed…” and I was about to delete you from my blog roll. I am SO fucked up over it, lol


  3. It’s a trip to you find out the youngins have their own ideas about everything, isn’t it? The maturation process is a beautiful thing indeed.


  4. Ahhh 19 and thinking you know everything. I remember the days. You shouldn’t be surprised. You are intelligent, so it stands to reason that he would think deeply as well.


  5. LMAO @ you and your brother saying masturbation. I almost hate to tell you that he been doing it quite a bit longer than you even imagined he could say it.And the bright side is that the new picture of him isn’t of him masturbating… is it?


  6. this is beautiful.my younger brother is 21, and i’ve had conversations like this with him as well that just makes me simply amazed at how time has flown and grown him up so intelligently.it’s bittersweet to see the youngins get all grown and opinionated.and yes, he seems very insightful for 19. but hey, look who his sister is.lol. hope all is well.*off to read about this surgery*


  7. It is amazing…I see my little sisters experiencing things..some of which I know all too well and some I can’t even imagine..and noticing our similarities and differences is incredible…


  8. I can really relate to growing up together but separate. My little sister is only two years younger than me, but our memories are so different.Thanks for sharing!!!


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