Humans are creatures who, at their core, want nothing more than to belong to a group. We are by nature pack animals, feeling most secure and validated when we are in like groups that we can readily identify and identify with. In order to become one of a pack, people more often than not try to make themselves resemble as closely as possible the other creatures they want to become a part of. It can be both subconscious and necessary; the kinda tomboy girl wants to be a Tri-Delta, so she starts wearing girly clothes. The scrawny kid wants to play basketball so he works out. The new kid wants his coworkers to like him so he joins in the office gossip session.
It’s human nature. I get it.
But alas, this desire also leads us to lie. And even though we pretend that they aren’t lies because they are oft repeated phrases, I think there are a few lies we should really stop telling ourselves. They are as follows…
1. He’s leaving his wife.
No he isn’t. Ever. And if he does, he will continue leaving his wife… next time, it will just be you.
2. Childbirth is beautiful.
Bullshit. No it’s not. Sure, you get a kid out of the process which, if you like that sorta thing, is great. But let’s keep it 100; there is nothing beautiful about the process or the pain… or the episiotomy. I am OUT.
3. It’s “more cushion for the pushin'”, or “more to love”, or “voluptuous”.
No it’s not. Nor are the clothes in this store “cut smaller”. It’s just fat because you are not 16 anymore. I have admitted it to myself and now, so must you.
4. Size doesn’t matter.
Surely some little dick dude started this rumor and I have to tilt my fitted to his hustle. But seriously though, it matters. “Motion in the ocean” isn’t gonna do anything but make me sick to my stomach.
5. News is truthful.
I assume, of course, that this is repeated only by those who have never watched Fox News. Or MSNBC for that matter. The news is a direct reflection of the person who owns the medium. Journalists my have to be impartial, but more likely than not, their paychecks are signed by someone who is not.
6. “I’ll just put the head in.”
There is no such thing. There are a million “just put the head in” babies in the world and everyday their mothers shake their head at themselves for being so gullible.
7. White lies are harmless.
If you lie, you are a liar. There is no such thing as “an innocent lie”. That’s just something liars with a conscience made up to make themselves feel better. Lying is still lying, no matter the degree. That’s like killing someone “a little”.
8. George Bush is not a war criminal.
Please. Presidents are not invincible. Even my dog knows Bush was that bullshit.
9. “I’m not gay… it was just that one time in college when I got really drunk…”
Bwahahahahahahaha! Right. And the dancing queen in the skinny jeans and baby tee with the pink feather boa singing the Pussycat Dolls at the top of his lungs is a Mormon minister. Well, actually…
10. “I’m not drunk.”
If you have to explain it, you’re fucked up. Just enjoy and hope someone gets you to the kneeling position in front of a toilet by the time the clock strikes midnight.
11. Sarah Palin was a victim of sexism.
The only thing Sarah Palin was a victim of was stupid. It must be nice to be able to get away with such foolishness with a wink and the gun (read: be an attractive white woman.)
12. If I love them, they will change.
Sure they will, they will change who they are dating. There is no such thing as the girl who was loved so hard she was no longer afraid of commitment, or the emotionally retarded guy who proposes after 15 years. You are not a Sex and the City character, and these are urban myths. Think of one person any of those things or something like it has successfully happened to. Don’t worry. I’ll wait…
I am sure to think of a few more to add to this list so check back. In the meantime…
You like how I just slid back in here like it hasn’t been weeks since I posted anything of substance, don’t ya? 😉