It’s been like this for awhile now.
It’s almost midnight and I am awake. Mostly because I quite literally passed out earlier in the evening. Because I am exhausted all the time. Weary. And now I am up. But sleepy. My eyelids feel heavy. But when I lay down (as I did for about an hour and a half before writing this), I am wide awake. My mind is working. So I get up. I watch Sex and the City reruns and count the number of times they change the dialogue in the episodes I know by heart. I play Fish Frenzy on MSN. I explore the new laptop. I always say I am gonna be productive, blogging or finishing some more chapters of the book I told myself I would finish this year. But instead…
I watch the episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey leave baby Ben on the bus.
I pick my hair up off my chest and marvel at how long it’s gotten, twirling the soft strands around my fingertips.
I pick at my cuticles.
I download music from i.tunes.
I wish I had more West Coast friends who are up at this hour rather than all my friends being firmly planted on the Right Coast who are asleep, as normal people should be.
I reorganize my closets and drawers and clean my shoes.
I sigh alot.
Earlier today I was so damn sleepy at work (after struggling to get out of bed and getting to work late of course) that I took my lunch hour at 11am, and went and took a nap in my car. I fell fast asleep only to be awakened an hour later confused and still utterly exhausted. So I sucked down caffeine for the rest of the day so I wouldn’t fall asleep at my desk.
When I got home, still exhausted, I ate, and laid across the bed to check my email… and woke up 2 hours later. Confused and still utterly exhausted.
And then so begins the cycle mentioned before.
Such seems to be my life. This kinda cycle that I can’t get out of. If I were in a book (read: a rich, white, trust fund baby) this is the part where I would escape for months to an ashram in India to do yoga at sunrise. I’d salsa with a darkly handsome man in Spain. I’d swim naked in the crystal blue waters in Grecian isles. I’d climb mountains in Italy. I’d drink blood red wine in France and spend the day walking to the top of the pyramids in Egypt.
But I am not that.
Instead, I lay across the pile of clothes on my floor giggling in my head to Phoebe’s attempt at guitar playing and singing and hoping that the carpet is clean. I attempt to remember any one of the myriad of things that I have surely forgotten. I try to tell myself I need to go downstairs and cook the chicken I took out for lunch tomorrow. But notsomuch.
I am around. Just uninspired. And of course, entirely too dysfunctionally tired. Anybody wanna sponsor my Europe trip?
11 thoughts on “The Cycle”
I have been in the same place for 7 months now. You’d think that this “phase” would have passed by now.>>I am looking to move back to NYC…yesterday if it were possible.>>Let’s hope your will pass sooner than mine.>*could called me…and I am on the east coast!*
I suddenly want to go on vacay to ALL of the places you mentioned…dancing with the darkly handsome dude in Spain is at the top of my list. he he>>Seriously though…when was the last time you had a THOROUGH physical??? Your cycle sounds like me when I “forget” to take my iron pills. I’m sooooo tired but only for an hour or so and CAN NOT sleep during the night. Being anemic also makes me forgetful.>>Hope you are feeling better. Even when you are uninspired…you write good shit, so just write anyway…for me. Ok, I’m being selfish. *smile*
I cant sponsor your Europe trip but I can go with you.
sittingg in front of my laptop wanting to type sumn meaningful, then ending up on facebook…
Show me a little thigh, La, then we can start talking sponsorships.
we are here. and watching pbs doesn’t help cause i could so be in italy or brazil right now without a worry in the world and just full of good food JUST fished out of the water…
I think it’s the seasonal change. I’ve been having that too. Can’t get focused or get the energy to do anything worthwhile and everything just seems so blah.>I laid in bed until like 7 this morning, KNOWING that i had to be at work by 8 o clock with a 45 minute commute. Couldn’t even give A fuck let alone two of them.
It happens to ALL of us…no scratch that –it happens to me…often. I used to fret…but now I just flow with it as much as my sometimes overly anxious mind would let me…I like to turn on the tube and watch movies that I never ever would watch if I were in my ‘awake’ zone — and I play computer games too…a lot!
Did you forget about lil ol’ me on the West Coast… you coulda – shoulda – called me!!!
The cycle can be a beast… I get caught up in it sometimes myself.>>Remember this: all things are temporary. All.>>Here’s to you getting out of that cycle. And if I had the bread, I’d sponsor your Grecian swim!>>Really though.
trust that West Coast is not all its cracked up to be! Maybe i have been here too long. Dude, hope you get sone sleep soon so as not to be drooling on work papers etc!>>>Hasta la juego!