Here are some things I have learned since turning 25 that I think are important to share with you… you know, cuz I’m so wise and shit.
1. When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you SHOULD NOT go shopping.
2. Tattoos hurt. Especially on thin skin. Since it’s been 3 years since your last one, you’ll forget this and think you’re a soldier, but alas… you are not. You may or may not wind up straddling a chair looking topless and whimpering like a little bitch.
3. Birthdays are not for diets. Or at least not diets that don’t involve cupcakes and Mexican food.
4. Boys in basketball shorts are insufferably sexy. If said boys can actually ball, I may or may not entertain putting out at half court.
5. You should always get laid on your birthday.
6. Someone will always find a way to ruin your day if they can. The trick is to get so drunk that you don’t care. Also…
7. Drinking is more fun if you do it in the middle of the afternoon.
8. Getting older sharpens your math skills. I.e. Vin Diesel + fast cars = wet dreams.
9. When it feels strange that you’ve not gotten fucked up and/or gone to the strip club, you’ve gone over to the bad place.
10. Friends are better when you know how to appreciate them.
11. Just like dick.
12. You know you’ve grown up when you stop before going shopping to… pay bills.
13. It really isn’t them… Its you.
14. You know you love someone when you will share your space with them… And not kill them when they eat in your bed.
15. Blackberries are the devil… dance around the flames.
16. You’re nobody til somebody side eyes what you’re wearing.
17. Its ok to freak out about a gray hair… If for no other reason than it will prepare you for how you’ll react to the others that are soon to follow.
18. Psycho calling/texting gets even less cute with age.
19. Find a good pedicurist… Your days of being able to reach your toes are numbered.
20. On your birthday (especially in the case of #1) you can convince yourself that you absolutely need that $200 pair of shoes or other ridiculous item. You absolutely do not. That being said…
21. I need a meerkat.
22. If you don’t want to hear from people you long convinced yourself you didn’t know, don’t put your birthday on face.book.
23. No, the aquarium ISN’T less fun because you stopped to pay your Cap One bill before you went.
24. Sometimes speeding is good for the environment… or… the… greater good of… humanity. Yeah.
25. Twenty-five feels different than twenty-four. No bullshit.