I had planned for the first post of the new year to be a whimsical and funny dalliance into the foolishness and mayhem that is my life, but I couldn’t quite make that happen. Mostly because over the last few weeks, I have been preoccupied with the desire to
let Nicki Minaj smash to divorce myself of my race and gender at a rate more alarming than usual.
I love being black. And I love being woman. Even more so than those things, I love being a black woman. Even with as much as MSN and CNN, et al would have me believe that my very existence is a parlay into emotional, financial, mental and marital purgatory, I go real hard for being exactly who I am. Sure, I am lighter than most and darker than few with all manner of curly hair that I didn’t pick up in a bag next to the Chinese takeout spot, but I dare you to somehow invalidate my blackness.
Naw, for real. I DARE you.
That being said, I have been wanting to give up on us lately, y’all. Not because we are any less of the beautiful, strong, magical creatures we have always been. Mostly because we don’t realize it.
Maybe it was all the Helena Andrews‘ of the world or all the statistics being hurled at us from every angle, but it seems like in 2009 y’all just got downright desperate.
Now usually when I discuss the pathology of any group that I am a part of, I use a larger “we” and include myself because I believe in being part of the solution, not the antagonist.
However, this ain’t my issue so I can’t really rock with that this time.
I hear it everyday. Every. Single. Damn. Day. And my male friends far outweigh my female friends, so its not just that I only talk to women. Everyday its a new tale of some outlandish, ridiculous behavior some woman has perpetuated regarding some man who probably don’t deserve it.
I know that you know what I mean. You’ve got that friend that keeps finding The One every first Friday at the club the month after The Last One inconspiciously or passive aggressively exited stage left. And not only does she keep falling for these random guys dumb quick, she gets mad at you when you aren’t convinced that he could be The One, too.
Or you know that friend that is going all out in the bedroom, cooking, cleaning, catering to a dude that IS NOT HER DUDE on the off chance that he will see what wifey material she is and thus, wife her.
Come on y’all. That kinda shit went out with Filas and french rolls.
I recognize that my own personal constitution is not one that is likely to do these things… but that’s not to say I haven’t done them before. Let’s be clear, I am good for doing all kinds of traditional homemaker things that I am not supposed to enjoy doing for a man that I am all in for. But the difference is, I do it for ME. I cook for my partners because it makes ME happy. I clean and make lunches and turn it out in the bedroom and tie ties and charm his friends because it fulfills ME. Not because I hope it will elevate my standings in his eyes.
On the same note however, don’t get it twisted; I’ve been stupid over a nigga. At least once.
But it’s the pattern that bothers me, that makes me worry that maybe we are all buying into our own worst hype. It’s the continuous and desperate latching on to these men that ain’t shit, won’t ever be shit, couldn’t buy shit at the store with a coupon and a list.
Its become a bit of an epidemic I’m afraid. And we are above it. ABOVE IT. Not because of our education or our bodies or our skin tone or our shoe game. But because as women, black women especially, we deserve a faithful, funny, fetching man (of whatever race you so choose) that doesn’t belong to anyone else. Buying into the great white hype of there being no available/honorable/straight men out there for us is only perpetuating the very cycles of broken heartedness, single parent households, and marriagelessness (I don’t care if that’s not a word) that we say we want to break free of. And maybe it is naive of me, but even I, the eternal skeptic, believe that man is out there.
If we would stop looking in all the wrong places.
If you look for a man who’s personal constitution lines up with your own, not who looks good on paper, maybe we could all stop hearing these tales of these women who stay with the dude who cheats/beats/lies.
Because I know you have all heard that.
Let’s keep it 100 for just a second: If you are single and/or unmarried, look at your life right now. Look at it objectively. Have you died? Are you mortally wounded? Has every year of your life been without joy or happiness of any kind?
I didn’t fucking think so.
There are plenty psychological reasons why women stay with men who are beneath them. But far more often than not it is simply just FEAR. Fear of being alone. Fear that you will never find someone. Fear that others will judge you. Fear that it means that you are unworthy. Fear that without a man, you have no idea how to define yourself.
And it’s bullshit.
I have never been huge on marriage, though I have wanted to get married… to ONE person in particular, not to just the idea at large. If I never get married, I won’t even pretend that I am so impervious to emotion that there aren’t times where I won’t be lonely, where I will want someone around, where I may even waste a small amount of time with someone unworthy just to have some occupancy in my space. I get it; I’m human, too.
But my big picture is still vivid. My life will not be dull if I don’t get married. It will be no less full or happy or fulfilling or fun because there isn’t a man in it. I will still do the things I love, see the places I love, share my life with the people I love who love me back just as magnificently.
Because I DESERVE that.
If I don’t get married, I will not die. My life will not cease to have meaning. I will not fall neatly into some statistic or misguided WaPo article. Being alone does not mean you are somehow less than. So please, for my own sake if not yours, stop latching on to half a man just to say you have one. Having a faulty, flawed man is NEVER better than not having a man.
And who’s to say you aren’t missing out on The One while you are bidding your time with men that are beneath you?
Surely it’s a more complex issue than I am giving credence to here. But the real talk of the matter is, no matter the symptoms, the cure is not all that deep:
Give your time to people who MATTER, people who DESERVE it, people FULLY CAPABLE OF RECEIVING YOUR LOVE, who can RECIPROCATE IN A FASHION APPROPRIATE TO YOUR NEEDS. Time is the only natural resource that we use and use that we can NEVER get back or replicate.
So why the fuck do we keep wasting it on these bitch ass dudes?
10 thoughts on “Your Resolution for 2010”
Happy mufuckin' new year indeed. As a man (or at least with the anatomical tools necessary to be deemed one), this is right on the money. If women FORCED men to step their games up, not in a condescending way but just like “Sweetheart I've got my shit together, you've got to bring more” kind of way, then men will respond. Nothing inspires a man more than the thought of obtaining something – or in this case, SOMEONE – he canNOT have. That's the bottom line in all of this. Hold us to your standards, make us work, make us feel like we're stepping our game up because you're well worth it.
And most importantly ladies, believe that about yourselves: that you are worth the best a man can give.
Side Note: like I told you before, you and Nicki Minaj in the same room and I could die a happy negro. That is all.
Not Filas and french rolls, though…
La, you are soooooooooo fired. Effective immediately.
Hold up La. Just one minute.
you know, the people I hear going on and on about this statistic are men. Not women. Men.
They keep going on and on about it. One woman becomes 10,000 or the entire black gamut.
The Black community in the West seems to be the onkly community where a sterling education is a failing, independence and financial viability – a slur for the women.
I think too many men, complain too much. We are too smart, we think our education makes us better than them, we are too open, we sleep with them too easy, we like thugs, not nice boys… says the idiot dude who think he is a nice boy because he wears polo shirts.
you need to circulate this shit everywhere females can actually breathe and move. the earlier a lot of us ladies out there acknowledge everything you said here, the better. seriously. great post.
Young Sinick referred me…
LOVE the blog! As the previous poster indicated, GR8 insight!!!
I'm 36 (in a few days)…and the holidays usually start my depression & it doesn't subside til AFTER Valentines day…
This yr my holidays were FABULOUS because I am finally learning to be happy in the skin I'm in. I've planned a lil get away for my bday so, so far so good…no depression. If I can get thru V-Day I'll know for sure I'm on my way to living in the moment & enjoying what MY life has to offer instead of stewing over what its lacking.
I'll be back thru here…NEW DEVOTEE TO UR BLOG!
Lurker coming out of hiding just to say, “Thank You” for putting this out into the blogsphere. I am impressed with your insight. This should be required reading for ALL women over 25, single, married or whatever situation they are in.
Love your blog !
I'm about to turn 40… let me just say that I WISH I had the amount of insight you have right now when I was your age. I wish.
Keep that. Hold tight to that, La. That insight is worth more than gold.
You hit the nail on the head: the root of this thing is fear. and the media is reinforcing it with statistics.
I've been married. Not sure I care to go through that again. This gets me in trouble with dudes. I'm suppose to be desperate or something.
Guess what: Desperation is not an option.
Very fine post as always.
I rarely comment but I had to say AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
QQ makes me SICK! LMAO!
I agree with all of the above ESPECIALLY the Fila and french roll part. *ctfu*
I don't even really have anything else to add except…good post, Lalita!
Muy bueno! Take that!
HA! did we NOT talk about this on my way to the airport??? I LOVE this shit top to bottom
Come on y'all. That kinda shit went out with Filas and french rolls.
*dead and buried*
Now I Can say something about your Blackness that will ONLY make you Die Laughing:
“who that pretty Light skinned Bitch sitting here?”