Talking to my sister this weekend, I stumbled on something that I hadn’t really realized but that I see now, in hindsight, I should have seen coming a mile away.
I have gotten insanely emotionally lazy.
There was a time when it was hurt; after a string of breakups, one epically soul crushing, I was just way too wounded to even pretend myself into thinking I was in a place to open up to someone else.
Later, it was fear. Fear that maybe I wasn’t over it all, that I was still broken in some way. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to get it right. Or worse yet, that I would find that illusive spark with someone (as I did), get invested and it would all fall apart.
But now, it isn’t even that. It is pure, unadulterated laziness.
I don’t want to invest. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to feel. Anything, really. My life has (somewhat) reached a peaceful, quiet place. I’m ok. For the most part, everyone I love is in a good place. We are all reasonably happy, if not content. And I am not interested in anyone disrupting it. Not even with something great.
That sounds terrible, lol.
But it’s how I feel. And I know, you will armchair psychologist me and analyze this and tell me all about how since I wasn’t hugged enough as a child that this is now manifesting itself in my life at 27 or whatever the fuck a therapist would say. Lol But it really isn’t. It is simply just me being lazy. As I have been in other areas of my life at other times. This time, it is just my love life.
(x-posted at tumblr)
2 thoughts on “Emotional Laziness”
I feel you; I'm in the same place. Peaceful, and not really interested in taking the chance to change that. For better or for worse.
Why does it even have to be called laziness? It's just another form of well-being. These man-free(emotionally man-free, not just physically) periods can be some of the most rewarding times. I remember I was doing so much more stuff for myself and sleeping so well at night.