Talking to my sister this weekend, I stumbled on something that I hadn’t really realized but that I see now, in hindsight, I should have seen coming a mile away.
I have gotten insanely emotionally lazy.
There was a time when it was hurt; after a string of breakups, one epically soul crushing, I was just way too wounded to even pretend myself into thinking I was in a place to open up to someone else.
Later, it was fear. Fear that maybe I wasn’t over it all, that I was still broken in some way. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to get it right. Or worse yet, that I would find that illusive spark with someone (as I did), get invested and it would all fall apart.
But now, it isn’t even that. It is pure, unadulterated laziness.
I don’t want to invest. I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to feel. Anything, really. My life has (somewhat) reached a peaceful, quiet place. I’m ok. For the most part, everyone I love is in a good place. We are all reasonably happy, if not content. And I am not interested in anyone disrupting it. Not even with something great.
That sounds terrible, lol.
But it’s how I feel. And I know, you will armchair psychologist me and analyze this and tell me all about how since I wasn’t hugged enough as a child that this is now manifesting itself in my life at 27 or whatever the fuck a therapist would say. Lol But it really isn’t. It is simply just me being lazy. As I have been in other areas of my life at other times. This time, it is just my love life.
(x-posted at tumblr)