La’s Guide to Jump Offs

I have something to admit here, if you have not already surmised it from six years of writing about my life’s foolishness. For the most part, I have been Girl Who Always has a Dude or Lucky Girl Around. And not necessarily a relationship but just SOMEONE; someone to take me out or tell me I’m pretty or what have you as needed. But where I largely fell down was keeping a jump off on the side.

There was one ill-fated attempt the summer before Howard, the details of which I won’t even bother to rehash. Then there was another in college, in between Almost Fiancé and The Great Houdini, who had one of the largest and most disappointing dicks I’ve ever seen. I haven’t really been much for the casual sex since then.

In short, you girl has been fucking around and failing.

But, no mas! I have successfully found and maintained a jump off (for far longer than one should. See below). And let me tell you, it is every bit as awesome as movies and your whorish friends would have you believe. Seriously. Not to mention that until men stop judging women for how/how soon/how often they have sex it is an EXCELLENT way to “wait” with a guy you’re interested in without having to actually, you know, be celibate.

(Writer’s Note: I am well aware of how disingenuous this is, and just how many men will be up in arms about it. As soon as you and your brethren stop believing you can determine what kind of woman I am by how many dates it takes me to “give it up”, then I will stop finding work arounds to patriarchal foolishness. As you were.)

Casual coitus celebration aside, I have learned a few things, as usual, the hard way that I would like to share with you, dear readers. Because I have never done this before, there are some significant ways I approached this all wrong. But, as my community service, I will explain to you how to be far more successful at keeping a jump off than I was. I fail so you don’t have to.

1. Don’t have any conversations that are not sexual in nature.
I considered briefly calling this bullet point “don’t treat him like a human being” but I figured that would be too mean for even me. But the concept is the same. Don’t ask him about his family, friends, or job. You don’t need to know his favorite movie or Mexican restaurant. There is absolutely no need to know if he is going on a trip. As a matter of fact, even if he hasn’t seen the sun in a year because of rare sunlight allergy, unless it is contagious or will affect his performance, you don’t need to know about it. Not because it’s not important, but because YOU DON’T CARE. If you read that again it makes total sense. He has a lane. Invite him to stay in it. If you wanna have a conversation, call a friend.

2. Don’t spend the night.
I have spent the night or let him stay over almost every time I have ever slept with the Jump Off. This is a fail. Why? Because there is no need to cuddle. And because in the morning, outside of what is hopefully round 3, there is absolutely NO NEED to be in each other’s space. NONE. But do you know what will happen if you do #1 and THEN #2 happens? You will find yourself in situations like, oh I dunno, hanging around the next day to watch football or the movie you guys discussed last night when you SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN TALKING NO WAY. Or maybe cuddling on the couch and looking at old pics of him, and thinking of him as a person. All bad everything. And don’t, DO NOT shower together the next morning. Just… don’t.

3. Don’t take him out in public.
A word of advice; not listening to points 1 and 2 will INEVITABLY lead to you both doing #3. It will happen. I promise. You will think because you are not a complete asshole, well maybe we can just go grab a drink before I take him home. I can at least not make it so obvious that I am using him for sex, right? You can’t. And you shouldn’t. Don’t do it. Because one or both of you will get the wrong idea about what this is. And NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT.

4. Don’t give him more than one opportunity to not put out.
This real life happened to me. TWICE. I blame myself for both times because I allowed this travesty of celibacy to occur. Both times, much (lackluster) sexting lead up to me coming over after my other plans for the evening ended, and, after spending an hour or two at his place, concluded with me leaving both times unfucked and confused. Why did this happen? Because I broke rules 1-3. please, don’t do this. No matter how good it is. Not matter how much you don’t wanna deal with finding another guy who is ok with you using him to wand you into Harry Potter status.

5. Don’t discuss your dating prospects with him, EVEN IF HE ASKS.
And HE WILL ASK. Especially if you ignore the next rule. Like me, you will think, hey, he’s grown. He asked me a question so he must be ready for the answer. You would be wrong. He doesn’t wanna know about your dating prospects. He wants to know if you HAVE dating prospects, i.e. anyone he should be concerned about. That is it and all. I recommend deflection. Penile play works well for this.

6. Don’t keep it going any longer than 6 months.I have broken this rule by A LOT. And while the sex is spectacular, there is really no good reason other than I AM LAZY. But this poses a variety of problems, the most important of which being, because he is a man and therefore has an ego the size of the state I live in, by 6 months in he begins to have…questions. Let me put you up on game. Ladies, they may try say this is solely our way of thinking, but there isn’t man alive with whom you can have sex, learn about his life and his family, and buy him drinks without his ego eventually tapping him on the shoulder and saying, “Why isn’t she sweating you?” Because he is dope and childless and has a job and lives alone and he puts it down, right? So why wouldn’t you be? Believe me, your jump off is WAITING. Waiting for you to start acting like a girlfriend, and start hoping and hinting at a relationship. Because that is what all his boys told him you would do. But when you don’t? MALE EGO ARMAGGEDON.

I am unhappy to report I have broken every single one of these rules. EVERY LAST ONE. And God bless me for having to deal with the fallout. But there is hope for you. Listen to La. And happy fucking. =)