I should probably issue a few disclaimers before I say anything else. The first and maybe most important one being, I am single and childless. Most of my friends, those who are single and those who are in varying degrees of love, are also childless. We’re all varying degrees of sexually active as well.
In short, not having a child if you don’t want/aren’t ready for one is not impossible.
My second caveat is the following; I would describe my relationship with my daddy as warm but distant. I am sure, to those of you not well versed in exasperating family dynamics, have no idea what this means. That’s perfectly fine. I actually kinda envy you. It simply means that I adore my daddy and he loves me very much, but we don’t know much about each other. Case in point; I am 27 years old and I just learned the story of how my parents met this past Christmas.
So maybe my being the daughter of a hardworking if emotionally unavailable father and not being the mother of a child of any kind that is not furry, I can’t really relate. You can feel free to say that. I probably won’t agree though.
Every year around this time, I generally have to log myself off from my various social media platforms. Not just because doing so helps me ACTUALLY accomplish something with my day besides listening to Bootsy Collins and debating the merits of taking half nude photos before gravity turns everything to frowns (both of which I have done today). But because it’s usually around this time that the messages start. My first was this morning on Facebook…
“Shout out too my piece of shit baby daddy. He ain’t been around since lil Mook Mook was born so I will be selebrating Father’s Day for ME. #singlemomday”
Let’s ignore for a moment that I loathe people using number signs on anything that is not Twitter (especially if they don’t have Twitter). And let’s even ignore the spelling fail. I always have the same question when I watch people disparage their baby daddies all over the universe on Father’s Day; didn’t you know he wasn’t shit when y’all fucked?
This is not to say that men who have children they don’t care for are blameless. Or that they don’t deserve ire from the women they have left to shoulder the weight of a two person job. I won’t pretend that not growing up with a father doesn’t wreak havoc on children of both genders that is often hard to circumvent. And I agree with you, random high school friend with three kids by three different men, men who aren’t in their children’s lives truly ain’t shit.
But let’s keep in mind that it is not a glitch in the matrix to NOT end up somebody’s baby mama and keep it all the way real: you knew he wasn’t shit. You knew it.
He didn’t randomly pop up and not be shit the day the stick turned blue. More than likely he didn’t promise you a Duggar style clan complete with Partridge family bus only to peace out on you after your first bout of morning sickness. So let’s stop playing.
You got knocked up by some random dude who wasn’t shit all along because you liked him/wanted him to stay/wanted unconditional love/hate condoms/don’t believe in abortion/wanted to be a mom. And now that he has continued in a fashion consistent with who he was all along, you’re angry. But just not at yourself.
It’s your right to feel about your sperm donor however you feel. My problem is that I know this is not a message you are keeping confined to Facebook. You’ve told your child that their daddy ain’t shit. That you are their mother and father. That he didn’t want to stay around/had another kid and/or chick to take care of/doesn’t help support them. And THAT is the kinda thing I can’t abide.
There is something awful that happens to a child once the seed is planted that they are not wanted or cared for. And every smart ass comment or hateful diatribe waters that seed. And that poor kid is saddled with that feeling and all the issues therein for as long as they don’t have the capacity to work through it all.
All because you had a baby by a dude who you knew wasn’t shit before you had sex with him.
Have I fucked a man that wasn’t shit? Hell YES. It is likely the birthright of every single woman of every race, creed and color to have fucked AT LEAST one ain’t shit dude during her sexual life. And that is how I know, firsthand, that there are warning signs we are sometimes far too willing to ignore.
But you have control over whose children you bear. Even if he has sent in the representative in the beginning of your relationship and seems perfect, you have seen hints that underneath he should come with a warning label that likely reads something like: Warning! This niggs is liable to leave you in delivery stirrups alone. LISTEN to the warnings. You don’t have to have sex every dude that wants to hit. And for the love of God if you DO fuck Ain’t Shit Dude, use a condom. Fuck what Will.I.Am says; women need to carry condoms. If for no other reason than it saves me from your bitter ass Facebook messages.