(Day 3 of 30 in 30)
I know it’s not popular, and I’m not supposed to say it. ‘Cuz I’m a woman. ‘Cuz it’s shallow. And… some other reasons y’all have that I don’t entirely understand.
But in all the lofty, lovely qualities everyone lists that they desire in a partner, why does nobody ever mention they want to have great sex with them?
Maybe great sex isn’t that important to you. Really. (My theory on this is that you have not had great sex and therefore know to miss it, but that is all another story for a day that is not this one.) But here’s what I know; some of you are lying to yourselves. A lot. And I remain unconvinced.
It’s important to say here that sex is not the most important thing in a happy, healthy, functioning relationship. I suffer no illusions about that. Good sex has never been able to make clean a mess of a relationship. That being said, you mean you would have me to believe that having vanilla to mediocre sex for the rest of your life WOULDN’T FAZE YOU IN THE LEAST?
I call bullshit.
I get it though. We are socialized, especially as women and certainly as black ones, to not admit to enjoying sex, wanting sex, craving sex. Those of us who grew up religious have an even more stringent set of standards about discussing sex and its importance and hey- isn’t it just for procreation anyway? So I suppose admitting that you like it purely for carnal recreation and would like to have as much of it as amazingly as possible to continue to live a happy life, is too much of a stretch. We wouldn’t want someone (read: men) to think we were that kinda girl.
Our issues with our sexual proclivities, or lack thereof are varied and intricate and individual to us all and deeply and thoroughly psychological. But I will be the first to say it; I need to have amazing sex with a long term partner. As often and as un-vanilla as possible. I am not sorry about this.
I can imagine spending a lifetime with someone without the dizzying, out-of-control feeling of being completely and 200% monkeyfuck crazy in love with someone. But living a lifetime with someone with whom I have dispassionate, perfunctory sex? With no period of can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other-call-out-to-stay-home-and-go-at-it-all-day-hey-can-we-try-this-new-position-we-aren’t-going-to-make-it-home-pull-the-car-over-right-here-can’t-even-manage-to-get-all-our-clothes-off mind blowing sex?
DO NOT WANT.
I am not so young and naïve that I believe this type of reckless sexual passion will last forever. It’s the reason that sex can’t sustain you. But I would be lying if I said the idea of being old and gray with someone and turning to them and saying, “Remember that time we did it up against that tree in that vineyard?” didn’t make me quite happy.