The truth is, you need an ordinary girl.
You need someone beige. You need a girl who takes vitamins everyday and is in bed every night by 11pm no matter what. A girl that doesn’t have a taste for whiskey and lights candles every time you make love and loves a “we.” “We loved the movie.” “We think that…”
You need a girl that’s comfortable. Who’s never been in a fight and doesn’t raise her voice and doesn’t conjugate her curses. A girl that thinks heels over three inches are extra and cooks dinner every night because she never works late. Someone put together by the threads of Supposed To Be. You need a girl not pestered by the itch to run barefoot across every inch of the world.
You will have a fine life. You’ll have a perfectly ordinary courtship, and you’ll follow a predictable course towards engagement and marriage and you’ll have two kids and a dog and a cat with a bell on its collar. You’ll lead a perfectly peaceful, ordinary life. It’ll all be fine.
How much of both our time did I waste for wanting you to not settle for fine?
The truth is, I have too often not risen to the occasion of myself. I have too often draped myself in the cloaks of softer, quieter.
But I am not fine.
I laugh too loud and fight too hard. I cannot manage a low key entrance and instead show up to trumpets. I like my sex rough and dirty and my love right at the apex of peaceful and passionate. I drink too much bourbon and say too much when others have slunk into the safety of silence. I demand space be made for me in the rooms I enter and I don’t know how not to be relentlessly ambitious. I work long hours and I stay up too late. I want the world and I go after it; I will not settle for whatever serendipity drops in my lap at its leisure.
I am fire and I am light and both can burn you if you aren’t careful. But the truth is, you were never built for keeping me or caring for me.
And that is no one’s fault.
You need a girl content to sit in the front row cheering you on, and I am the main attraction.
You need a girl who will carefully string her life up around the corners of yours, ecstatic to join a life you’ve already designed rather than build one together, where I demand an equal, a partner, a star that makes me a supernova.
You will live a good, perfectly fine life.
I cannot be fine.