Nothing will ever prepare you for how sad it is to get better. There’s a particular kind of melancholy that arrives with unlearning and unpacking. In the end you’ll be better, sure, but there’s a miles-long stretch of grieving before you arrive. Perhaps without ever realizing it, your habits have been formed by your coping … Continue reading Dealing


I am living on extremes. I’m either not spending any money or spending stupidly. I’m working out everyday and eating well or spending hundreds on takeout from my couch. Nothing bothers me or everything bothers me. I’m highly productive or I’ve done nothing at all. I’m feeling super social or sitting in absolute silence for … Continue reading Poles

Big Swings

I do not have a lot of faith. I don’t mean religious faith, though the church and I stopped seeing eye to eye long ago. (Me and God are cool, though. Most of the time.) I mean, I simply don’t believe in things. I tend to need things I can see and touch and hear … Continue reading Big Swings

the small place

I sat in the darkness for days, the silence a tomb. I ran from the shards of light slicing into the belly of the cave I’d created, hiding in corners and crevices, burying myself in white sheets like a shroud. I slept and woke in jarring fits, slumber a reprieve and consciousness an agony. Every … Continue reading the small place


Being sequestered inside (if you aren’t an asshole living in a city full of assholes) has brought a particular kind of familiar stranger back into my life. There’s a range. Some are old friends, some are old work. But my favorites the ones that think maybe I was the one that got away. I don’t … Continue reading Safe


This year stole a lot from me. A promotion and the promise of the types of projects I excel at and the autonomy I crave. Trips with my girlfriends to be loved on and to start banking this decade’s inside jokes. A particularly delicious what if? My physical health. Friendships that feel raw and unsteady, … Continue reading Word.