I called her randomly one day. My own recipe was fine but it was just fine, and I finally felt ready to try to tackle hers. I scribbled notes as she ambled through recalling what she had been doing by muscle memory for decades. I don’t know that I could call it a recipe. But … Continue reading The Recipe
Author: La
Grief
Where do you go when grief is home? When loss flings you out into the wilderness of pain to fend for yourself. When there is no shelter from the onslaught of mourning. The pain is relentless. I am carrying so much grief in my bones. My limbs are heavy under the weight. I am Atlas, holding the … Continue reading Grief
Soon
Soon, I promise myself. Soon.I will do it soon. It’s important. And I need it. But I’m not ready.But soon. Soon I will be. Soon comes. And I punt. It’s too big a loss right now, and it is. It’s too much change. It’s a lot to go without. I need the crutch. And I … Continue reading Soon
We All Try
My fingers ache. I’ve been subconsciously clutching my fists so tight that my nails leave tiny purple-red crescent moons in the skin of my palm. I’ve been sleeping with the TV on. The pale blue light feels comforting, like moonlight stretching shards across the darkness. I hate sleeping with the TV on. Sometimes I listen … Continue reading We All Try
Better
I had decided this was where I wanted to be. That this life, this man, was what I wanted. And in doing so, tacitly accepted who I’d have to be to fit inside the bantam space of this decision. I knew the edges of us felt so close as to be restricting. I knew there … Continue reading Better
Leave
I am starving. I am empty and lean, caving in around the spaces between my ribs. I feel brittle and dry, like weight of any kind might grind me to dust. I try not to need. To busy my limbs with other tasks so they don’t have time to remember what they lack. They walk … Continue reading Leave
Pain Tolerance
“So, I’m in the chair. And first it’s this needle. And generally I am not afraid of needles, but it’s this giant fucking needle. And if you’ve ever been stabbed repeatedly in the roof of your mouth with a really big fucking needle, I cannot unrecommend it enough.” I’m really fucking funny. And I’m telling … Continue reading Pain Tolerance
Shadow Kingdom
We fall in love in the wee hours. When darkness makes us feel less exposed in our vulnerabilities and laying ourselves bare feels like release. While the rest of the world lies quiet, we build a world in the shadows. The earth is whispered confidences, the sky a constellation of secrets and fantasies shared in … Continue reading Shadow Kingdom
Quit
“I dunno. I wish you quit more.” We’re somewhere around the thirty-minute mark of this chat and I wasn’t expecting it to escalate so quickly. “What do you mean?” “I mean, you don’t quit things. And I love that about you. I know that you’d do anything for me and by extension for my wife … Continue reading Quit
Spark
“Did I make it?” Without looking at the clock I know it is precisely 11:59pm on the dot. Years ago- when we were happier- he’d decided that he wanted to be the last person to tell me happy birthday every year, ostensibly because it would mean we were together to close out the day. I’d … Continue reading Spark
