Thinking Out Loud

It happens at the times I am usually least on guard for it.I’m over the most acute of it, the times when it would hit me unexpectedly and I'd have to stop in my tracks, my breath caught in my throat. When I'd need to talk myself through it, remind myself to stay present, in … Continue reading Thinking Out Loud

Take the Box

It all goes in the box.The particular cadence of my name on his tongue. All the years of inside jokes and the steady stream of laughter. The signature curvature of his smile. The music we once traded across the distance. The way he likes his eggs.It all goes in the box.The comfortable tangle of my … Continue reading Take the Box

M-ssing

Something is missing.This is my last thought before I go to sleep. It hangs over the bed, turning the air around it crisp and cool. I toss and turn underneath it all night.Something is missing.This is my first thought when I wake up in the morning. My eyelashes have barely left their perch atop my … Continue reading M-ssing

6

I don’t realize it until probably the fourth time I wipe off and reapply the same sheer lip gloss; I’m nervous. Nervousness is just one of many emotions I am not adept at managing, as I am generally not prone to it. But here it is, uninvited and rude, ricocheting around my stomach and filling … Continue reading 6

undun.

I keep pretending I don't know why I can't sleep.I know.I've known for awhile.I've just found it easier to pretend it’s work (sometimes it is) or family affairs (sometimes it's that too) or just general dismay at the stark contrast between my life as I want it and as I live it (many times it’s … Continue reading undun.

Like, Every Day

The specter of you has been hanging around here for the last week. Heavily.Saturday when I left the funeral, I found myself wanting to call you. To tell you about all the sorrow, all the joy of the day. To confess to a few unexpected tears so you'd tell me, in that reassuring baritone, "It … Continue reading Like, Every Day

Truth

I feel like I am going deaf.My heart is beating so loud that everything sounds muffled. I am dizzy with the effort it takes to breathe, my lightheadedness making every second feel like a dotted whole note, lasting longer than usual. I am trying hard to concentrate on the voice in my ear. I burrow … Continue reading Truth

Crushed

On Sundays, I clean.I also assiduously avoid talking to people who are not QQ if I can. Sunday is my day to relax and unwind, to decompress and prepare for my week. For as many hours as I can manage, I let myself become the center of my own universe, cleaning my space, performing a … Continue reading Crushed

What If.

It dropped in my spirit around my birthday in April, coming, as it usually does, without me even noticing it. A fleeting thought that became a seed, blooming brighter every time the thought became more frequent. Which it did.It happens, at different intervals, sometimes months, sometimes years, but it always feels just as it always felt … Continue reading What If.