My fingers ache. I’ve been subconsciously clutching my fists so tight that my nails leave tiny purple-red crescent moons in the skin of my palm. I’ve been sleeping with the TV on. The pale blue light feels comforting, like moonlight stretching shards across the darkness. I hate sleeping with the TV on. Sometimes I listen … Continue reading We All Try
I remember thirteen. I was withdrawn, dark and heavy. The early trauma of my life like weighted stones strapped to my growing limbs. I was alone, trying to navigate the jungle of loss and abuse along with the new curve ball of puberty. My sexuality felt like a nuclear weapon I was in no way … Continue reading The Velvet Rope
Mykonos, GreeceJune 2016I find God in the water.From the moment the water curls up the shore and hits my toes, I feel my life lifting off me. I wade in up to my waist, the water cool and refreshing and an impossible blue. I let a salty wave scoop me up in its palm and float. … Continue reading Baptism
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if I stop moving I'll fall apart.So, I don't.I work. I work more than any human should. I work when I don't need to. I work to a level that is not required and satisfy objectives that are not asked of me.And I clean. I vacuum … Continue reading Move.
I’ve blocked out large swaths of my childhood. There are large, gaping holes in the landscape of my memory, my mind acting as something like a psychological gopher, digging underneath certain places in my memory until the earth falls in beneath them. It’s a coping mechanism I’m sure, one I suppose I will eventually have … Continue reading Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
It happens at the times I am usually least on guard for it.I’m over the most acute of it, the times when it would hit me unexpectedly and I'd have to stop in my tracks, my breath caught in my throat. When I'd need to talk myself through it, remind myself to stay present, in … Continue reading Thinking Out Loud
I was 25 before I finally admitted how fucking miserable I was. How the years of just surviving, of barely making it, of scraping by, had made me weary down to my bones. How badly the heartbreak had made me equal parts hard and fragile.The admission itself was hard. It felt like a spectacular failure; … Continue reading Dirty 30
I keep pretending I don't know why I can't sleep.I know.I've known for awhile.I've just found it easier to pretend it’s work (sometimes it is) or family affairs (sometimes it's that too) or just general dismay at the stark contrast between my life as I want it and as I live it (many times it’s … Continue reading undun.
Today’s installment of If Only I Knew Then What I Know Now is brought to you by the letters J and D for Jack Daniels, a chapter in G’s book over at When Keeping it Real Goes Right and this article on a guy who paid off $26K in student loans in two short years.Reading … Continue reading "Student Loans are Good Debt" and Other Myths
At my core, I am a tactician. I am shrewd. I can, if I choose, deftly manipulate circumstances. I make calculated plans and I execute them. My plans are flawless, and my maneuvering around and in between the places that inevitably fall apart is astounding. If I were not me, I would be invariably impressed … Continue reading Crown me King